Author: admin

From a young age, I’ve always felt like an outcast, unable to fit in anywhere – whether it was in school or at home.

My family had its own set of problems and it all began from when I found out I was nearly aborted. Due to financial problems, my family members distanced themselves from each other. My father refused to work, my mother had to juggle multiple part-time jobs, my first sister was chased out and my second sister would just lock herself up at home.

In school, I was bullied in primary school and then I was the only local Malay boy in the express stream in secondary school. There were other Malay boys in the other streams but somehow I found it hard to make friends.

I realised I was gay from an early age but I had to remain in the closet due to my religion and family. That made me feel lonely. I also lived in a lot of fear because of all the issues surrounding my sexuality, religion and family. I had some friends whom I could confide in but I was still lonely and I didn’t know what to do.

To make matters worse, I was molested by an uncle in the swimming pool. It made me feel disgusted, worthless, humiliated and extremely frustrated at myself for being manipulated by someone I looked up to and thought could fill the father figure void.

As a result of the stress, especially with the issues from religion and sexuality, my grades started to slip and I failed my GCE ‘O’ levels badly. That was my tipping point.

The embarrassment from being the only express stream student in my school who couldn’t make the grades to enter a polytechnic was too much for me to handle, and I finally gave up praying to be straight, so I tried to commit suicide by overdosing.

I took every single tablet at home and popped them all. I blacked out for a day and a half, but no one knew I just tried to OD. When I came around, I was vomiting, having severe headache and feeling very weak but my parents scolded me because they thought I had spent the time gaming without sleep and skipping meals.

The next few days after that suicide attempt were spent in bed recuperating – much to the annoyance of my family – because I still felt very weak. I chose not to tell anyone what truly happened because I felt that no one would understand me – not my family, not my friends, not even God.

From that point, I started to only believe in myself and rely on myself.

In ITE, I managed to graduate with a GPA of 3.98 and I was also chairman of the Karate Club and a member of the Student Council. I made it to a polytechnic but I had to stop karate because I had an accident that affected the nerve on my lower jaw. After I stopped karate training, my weight ballooned to 80kg because I just ate whatever I wanted and my self-esteem took a hit.

Whenever I felt upset (about family and friends being difficult for example) or lonely, instead of giving up and trying to OD like I did previously, I started to inflict physical harm. I used knives and penknives to create superficial cuts on my arms, thighs and other parts of the body. The physical pain served as a way of numbing my emotional pain from my problems and strangely, also as a reminder to get up and push forward.

During national service, I began to become more independent. Being in a stay-out vocation, I opted to stay-in and had the entire level in the block to myself at night (bottom floors were for the trainees and upper levels for regulars who don’t have to stay in either). I also saved up my allowance by eating in the cookhouse and doing my own laundry.

Time in there was boring so one night I decided to go for a run to kill time. I only ran 2km but I was so tired I fell asleep the moment my head hit the pillow. I realised it was a good way to pass the time at night alone, so I started running in camp every day – from a mere 2km, I progressed to 10km daily.

All the running helped me to lose some weight and it became addictive. I kept wanting to lose more weight and I started taking extreme measures. I would only eat once a day (2-4 slices of toast for breakfast) and only drink water for the rest of the day whenever I felt hungry – and I was still running at least 10km a day.

Because I was running so often, I signed up for the first Army Half Marathon and completed it in 1 hour 45 minutes!

However, people started to find out how little I was eating and they monitored me, trying to get me to eat more. But because I was starving myself and lost weight drastically, the weight gain bounced back so quickly once I started eating more. It didn’t help that I had a tendency to crave for sweet stuff too.

To counter that, I took laxatives every day and every time I ate something I went to the toilet. Somehow, going to the toilet would help to reduce my need to snack. At times, if I couldn’t get enough laxatives, I would force myself to vomit the food I ate.

All of these brought my weight down to nearly 52kg and I just couldn’t get to 52kg exactly. I kept trying and trying but I couldn’t hit 52kg and I also didn’t get the lean abs of a runner I wanted. Finally my body gave up on me.

Because I was running so often, I got injured. It hurt so bad every time I tried to walk that I was too scared to run, so I stopped running. As a result, I started to gain weight and I tried to hit the gym but I found it hard to exercise alone.

So a good friend recommended ROCKrunners to me – he was never a fan of running but after joining them for a few sessions, I saw how much he enjoys it and he even runs faster than me now! I decided to check it out and I was quite drawn to its message of body positivity.

I joined them regularly and now here I am, as their ROCKstar of the Month. Every training session is fun, with everyone being ‘tortured’ together and cheering and supporting each other. I like how we always wait for everyone to come back from their runs and never leaving anyone behind. It also doesn’t matter how fast or how slow you run either.

I used to hate myself a lot but now I don’t really hate myself anymore. Hearing everyone’s inspirational stories and soaking in the positive vibes have really rubbed off on me.

With them, I’ve done my first Spartan Race and most recently, did my first overseas race too. Thank you ROCKrunners!

I was caught by surprise when Cheryl messaged and notified me that I am the ROCKstar of the month for December 2018. I have read through the previous ROCKstar stories and have been very inspired by every single one of them as each has their own story to tell and how they overcame their own limitations.

I have always been secretly hoping that I will lose weight and be able to share my transformation story one day on the Rock The Naked Truth website. Well, I have not lost any weight to share my story, but I guess there will never be a perfect time to share it.

Here goes:

Every group has a fat kid. Coincidentally, I am the fat kid in my group of friends. I was never an overweight kid till I turned seven. I dislocated my arm at the age of six while playing on a playground swing. While I was recovering from my dislocated arm, I would often eat and sleep and that’s when my weight started to pile up.

I entered the Trim and Fit (TAF) Club when I was in Primary 1 and I was in it all the way till Primary 6. Memories of TAF Club in primary school included running every morning before morning assembly and I absolutely detested it as I would need to attend morning assembly all sweaty while the rest of my classmates go to class fresh.

When I entered secondary school, I was often very fearful of Physical Education (PE) lessons. Our teacher would make us run around the school compound and if we were caught walking, we would need to run another round. For overweight students, we had to carry a 5kg medicine ball to run with. If we were caught walking, we will need to run another round with the 5kg medicine ball. This made me fearful of PE lessons as I had very weak stamina and I would often get stomach upset and diarrhoea before I ran.

Classmates would also often ‘label’ me due to my size. I remembered an incident so vividly which happened to me in secondary school. I went to look for a friend in the next class and there was this guy who told me not to enter their classroom as their classroom would be flooded by the oil that would come from my fats. Hurtful remarks and judgments of my physical appearance by strangers and friends made me feel unwanted and my insecurities grew.

I would have occasional breakdowns and I would apologise to my mum for giving birth to me as I felt that I am of no use and am just being a burden to my family. I would scratch myself and have suicidal thoughts occasionally. On some days, I would drown in negative thinking and refuse to go out of the house to meet my friends.

T-shirt and bermudas is my go-to outfit to cover my body shape. Growing up, my closet was filled with large t-shirts and bermudas. Whenever I go shopping with my girlfriends, I would be the first one to finish browsing all the clothes available in the store as I could hardly find clothes that fit me.

I often thought that I don’t fit well in any groups as I am not the typical girl who likes dressing up. I would binge eat whenever I feel stressed or when I feel bored. It doesn’t help that I also have a sweet tooth, so I like to indulge in desserts such as cakes and ice cream.

There were many times where I told myself that I want to change my life. I have used available online tools to help me track calories and workouts. I have also tried slimming pills to slim down but to no avail as they made me feel weak and dehydrated all the time.

I read many inspirational stories online and it seems that eating right and working out in moderation is the only long-term solution to weight loss. Two of my friends helped me to lose weight as they were concerned for my health in the long run. They brought me to grocery shopping every single weekend and taught me how to pack budget and nutritious lunches to work.

As a result, I lost a total of 4kg over two months. It was an achievement for me as I have not managed to lose so much weight ever. They also taught me how to pick the right type of clothes, how to dress up, how to feel good and confident about myself. Thereafter, I also picked up healthier habits such as going for hikes, swimming, biking and jogging.

I used to run short distances by myself and decided that I should join a running group to get motivated to run longer distances and in turn, lose weight too. I dislike running but I enjoy the endorphins after exercise.

One day, I decided to join ROCKrunners with my friends. Even though I am always the last one in the group, the amazing people in ROCKrunners ensure that I do not get left behind. They would run together with me at my pace and talk to me which made running less painful.

At each race that I join with ROCKrunners, they were there to wait for me which motivates me to run faster and not give up. ROCKrunners is very welcoming and not judgmental at all. This was the main reason that made me stay on in this running group.

Throughout the years of struggling with unhealthy eating habits and leading a sedentary lifestyle, I have learnt that I must take care of my own body as health is wealth and I need to have a healthy body to accomplish many other things in life.

I have not achieved my goal weight and I still struggle with bad eating habits, but I am trying to be a better version of myself every single day. Change does not come easy. Let today be the day you love yourself enough to no longer just dream of a better life. Let it be the day you act upon it. Surround yourself with positive people that will help you to see things from different perspectives which will help you in your journey. Don’t ever give up! Cheers guys!