Growing up, I have always been a skinny kid and it was pretty normal for me to be underweight. Things changed when I hit my peak as a sprinter in my JC days, where I was hitting the gym for more power on the track. I started gaining muscle, my weight was on an upward climb and it felt good to be strong.

Then at 19, the worst thing that could happen to any athlete happened to me – I had a stress fracture in my foot and I had to take a 6-month layoff from training and competition. In that time, I began to lose muscle mass and by the time I tried making a comeback, I was thin and weak. Frustrated with not being able to make a decent comeback, I decided to hang up my spikes and switched to play touch rugby instead.

During my layoff, I started dabbling in the modelling industry. I was in a local modelling competition and I clearly remember someone saying during refreshments at an event, “Girls, if you’re eating chocolate eclairs, think about your body because some of you are not exactly small.”

Now, I was already one of the skinnier girls so I put it on myself to stay the way I was or get even skinnier so I never had to worry about anyone telling me I was too big. By the time I eventually placed the first runner-up in the competition, I was standing at 1.68m and my weight had taken a plunge to 42kg. I’d started getting obsessed with counting calories, limiting myself to one small meal a day and some grapes for a snack, just to build up my modelling career. It was then a daily battle choosing between staying thin for modelling and keeping fit for touch rugby, and that eventually took a toll as I passed out multiple times on the field during an entire season. In my quest for perfection, even that didn’t deter me from trying to stay thin for modelling.

Eventually, I stopped playing touch rugby and took up Muay Thai instead. I would gain some weight from training and I’d profusely try to lose it again just to get castings and jobs. 3 years ago, I decided to call it quits with modelling. I decided that I’d had enough of letting people judge me based purely on superficial qualities. I thought the worst was over but by then, trying to stay skinny had taken over my life and long after my modelling career was over, I was still struggling to keep my weight down amidst training for a strength and power-intensive sport. In 2013, I started fighting competitively, weighing in at just 43.8kg in my first fight. That of course took a toll on my body too, as I amassed injury after injury and passed out in the midst of fight training.

It’s been a constant struggle between weight and self-acceptance in the last 6 years. Early this year, I underwent a reconstruction surgery for a bust ankle and I lost a great deal of muscle mass during the layoff. In my comeback to training and my sport 5 months ago, I felt terribly weak and it hit me that this isn’t the fighter I want to be.

Since then, I’ve been training hard, hitting the weights in the gym to build up muscle and gain some strength and power again. It’s still a struggle some days as my body’s changing but I’m coming to terms with the fact that I need it to become a better fighter. I no longer want to be the weak, skinny fighter. On the contrary, I want to be as good a fighter as my body will allow me and that accounts for the hours put in the gym and training.

So yes, my body’s athletic now, I have muscle, my veins show, my thighs and arms are bigger than they’ve ever been. I’ve never felt stronger, fitter and more empowered. Now that doesn’t come with comments that may be a little hurtful at times, but I’m learning to turn the negativity into positive vibes.

I’m finally at a healthy weight now and I’m becoming a better fighter. If anyone were to ask me if I’d go back 6 years ago to be on a runway again, my answer would be an outright no because I wouldn’t trade being the fighter that I am now for living by anyone else’s perception of beauty. It’s been a long road and it still is an arduous journey ahead as I strive for precision and strength in the ring but today, I am not afraid.