It all started with one sentence: “Your ass is too big to haul yourself up the canoe”. I was just 17 and those words came from a guy that I kinda had a crush on. I have always been heavy-bottomed and I never felt conscious about it till that fateful day which turned my life upside down for seven years. I battled with eating disorders from one spectrum of anorexia to the other end of binge eating. I remember the times that I only ate a piece of apple a day. It came to a point that I hated myself so much I didn’t want to look into the mirror and I even attempted to end my life as it was just too tiring.

Thankfully I found God and it helped me to pick myself up and it was the first step to know what it means to love myself as God loves me for who I am. However, despite being discharged from my eating disorder and feeling better about myself, I was still conscious of how I look and I was constantly insecure. It didn’t help that I was in love with a man who was emotionally unavailable. I managed to get out of that toxic relationship and then I met someone whom I was with for the next nine years. I thought I finally found happiness and I thought I finally found someone who loves me for who I am.

But everything crashed down on me a year ago when I found out he has been having an affair. His words “I am no longer attracted to you” stabbed me really hard. I think that’s the harshest words a wife can get from her husband. It caused me to doubt myself and I started to hate myself for who I am; I started to question my self -worth. My darkest period hit when he decided to proceed with the divorce and leave me.

It has been four months since the divorce finalised and I am still healing. Through this process I have learnt that life is so unpredictable and there are people who loves you to bits. I am taking my time to find myself back, especially when I have spent nine years devoting my life to another person. I am starting to do the things that I love such as working out, running, cycling and hanging out with family and friends.

A lot of times when we get through our lives, we lose focus on ourselves as we are so caught up meeting goals and expectations set for us that we forget ask ourselves, “How am I today?”

To me, self-love is when you can find peace with yourself, to be able to embrace past wrongs and celebrate your victories. I am counting my blessings every day, because it helps to make me go forward each day.