Friend: So who’s your fitness model?
Me: I don’t get you.
Friend: I mean, aren’t you going to get someone fit and muscular and with the whole six-pack abs to be the model in your photos?
Me: Um, no. I’m modelling.
Friend: Oh. #awkward
As a Sports and Exercise Nutrition Coach, part of my job involves putting myself out there, taking exercise videos and photos and simply educating people about nutrition.
A friend of mine, with good intentions, asked me that question. He didn’t think I was ‘fit’ enough to be a model for this. That aside, I still went on with my career.
Normal nothing-special me went on shooting videos and taking pictures and being a face of my own company every single day.
I did not question him further and simply took it in my stride because I absolutely don’t care. I’ll tell you why.
In February 2010, I was obese. I weighed 84kg standing at 1.69m.
Absolutely determined to lose weight, I tried out so many different diets. From slimming pills to meal replacement shakes to very low calorie diets, to tea detoxes. Ironically, nothing works. Until I decided to go on a strict 1,200-calorie diet, worked out like a mad person six times a week and went absolutely obsessed with how much calories I’m taking in every day.
I did that for 8 whole months.
The result?
I lost 10% of my body fat, 20kg and I was finally, just like how I wanted to be – skinny.
Many would think my success story ends there, but that 8 months was just a beginning.
I thought life would be way more fun after that, people will start noticing me because I looked good and I am finally, not fat.
Until one day, I went home from school feeling absolutely tired, weak and… hungry. I struggled for many days as my entire world began to collapse. I felt like my weight loss success began to slip right through my fingers one by one. As of January 2011, just two months after I lost all the weight, I was struggling, yet again, with my weight and body. This time, I wasn’t even overweight.
And for the first time in my life, I didn’t know what to do.
That confidence I gained when I lost all that weight was now replaced by obsessive thoughts of food, binge eating and hours of exercise. I was eating as though there was no tomorrow and the next day I will be running all those calories off on the treadmill for two hours. I struggled counting calories, and felt bad for myself because I didn’t want to overeat. I constantly remeasured and weighed myself because I was so scared I will put on all the weight lost – which I did.
And because of that, I hid from my friends, colleagues and family because I was so ashamed of it. I didn’t understand why this was happening to me. I was so conflicted and confused. On one hand, society tells me that you need to be of a certain body type to be accepted. On the other hand, I was struggling. I seeked help from a medical professional for my eating issues and yet I couldn’t find an answer.
Faced with this harsh reality, I was left with two options: To live my life as a victim of binge eating, negative body image and eat my heart out and feel bad every single time, OR, to allow the grief of this to fuel a rebirth of the person I was born to be.
Out of my choice to war against the anger, self-hatred, self-pity, self doubt and the binge eating episodes, came the birth of the new me that would not only let me help others who has been in my shoes, but restore the Aqilah Norazman who always believes that if we put our heart and mind into it, anything is possible.
I chose, out of my own will, to start studying about exercise physiology and nutrition. I chose, out of my own will, to learn as much as possible on how to get out of this rut. I chose, out of my own will, to come out strong and fearless because I do not need anyone’s approval to be me.
It took me two years and more after the 8-month weight loss to be okay with my body and who I am.
Today, I weigh about 69kg and probably have about 20-22% body fat. I don’t really know because it has been quite some time since I measured myself. I work out every day doing things I love and while I eat foods that nourishes me most of the time, I don’t stress out about that slice of cake I had on my mum’s birthday.
I can deadlift 100kg, I can hold a 10-second crane pose, and I am fit and active. I don’t have abs, I clearly have fats here and there and I definitely won’t make the cover of Shape magazine. But here’s the thing, it does not matter to me, at all.
Why? Because I know how it feels to be constantly obsessed with the number on the scales, what you’re eating and how much body fat % you have. And that is hands down, the worse feeling in the world.
It’s my job as a fitness professional today is that the key to change, the only one thing you need to make a difference to your life and your health is to fully embrace your body and who you are.
You don’t have to be someone else you see on #fitspo or that fitness model you have on your screensaver. Do something YOU like, not because you heard it’s good for you but because it makes you happy. You and no one else. You are NOT just another person in this planet, you are an individual, unique and definitely awesome in so many ways.
Most importantly, you have to believe that. You have to fully believe that you’re a beautiful, amazing and gorgeous person before you can be free from all hatred and resentment.
I succeeded, struggled and carved my own way towards self-love. I wished someone told me all this five years ago. No one did, that’s why I want you to know that now. #RockTheNakedTruth
