“Girls above 60kg are unattractive.” – This is what a supplier of mine told me while on a business trip.

It was not his intention to be malicious. He had known me from back when I had just started work two years ago and 10 kg lighter, and wanted to express concern at my rapidly expanding figure.

I just thought to myself, “Meh. I think I look pretty alright.” But, this was a landmark moment for me as I never thought I would regard my body in the state of “fat”, and disgusting or unlovable.

I am of a larger frame compared to many petite Asian girls and I grew up being told by stores that they either did not carry my size or I needed to wear XL or XXL.

Growing up, I was always one of the taller kids and also on the chubby side, coming from a family with an overzealous attitude towards feeding children.

I did not realise I was tubby until I was called up to be enrolled into the TAF Club programme in Primary 5, a club for overweight students. We were made to exercise during recess time and our lunches were scrutinised to make sure we were not stuffing our faces with unhealthy food right after the enforced weight loss attempts. I did not think TAF Club helped me with any weight management; in fact, it was really damning on my self-esteem as I then had the label of “fat” added to “nerd”, “quiet”, “small eyes” and possibly “weird”.

I hit a huge growth spurt at 13 just as I joined the police cadets. All of a sudden I was not fat anymore. In fact, I became rather skinny. I also got rather sporty. I relished the intense physical activity as I became really fit and toned at an age where many of my peers were beginning to get body conscious. It was magical how I could wolf down anything I wanted while friends fretted over eating habits. This was when I believed that if I worked hard enough at it, I would be able to be anything I wanted!

However, I later came out on the other end realising that being sporty made me skinny but no smaller as I simply had a wide frame (sad!) and it was not like if I exercised more I would magically shrink to become small and cute.

Now instead of being fair, tall, slightly pudgy and awkward, I became tanned, taller, gangly and still awkward. With braces. It seemed like I would never find a way to be like those perfect, long-limbed slim-hipped girls in the magazines and I hated the way I looked.

As I moved into my 20s, I found it harder to lose weight, going through cycles of getting fat and exercising. I still hated the way I looked and how my gigantic hips made it hard to fit into clothes, but I figured that if I could not change my shape, I could at least try my best to control my weight.

I would receive comments ranging from “oh you are too skinny” to more snidely remarks like “you should eat less pineapple tarts” due to my weight fluctuations. I constantly felt that physically, I did not meet either my own or others’ expectations.

Somewhere in my mid 20s, I started to binge and purge. It started innocently as having an interest in food and finding awesome places to eat at as a hobby. Then stresses and disappointments in other parts of my life bled into my hobby and I began to eat my feelings.

I would eat excessively and have multiple meals a day. After that, I would feel physically sick and really angry, ashamed, resentful at myself for losing control, so I would try to ‘make amends’ by purging, both with laxatives as well as by inducing vomiting.

I obsessively counted calories and if I ate above 1,400 calories one day I would take the excess out of the calories for tomorrow or try to exercise it off. This ended up with some days where I was only allowed to eat 300 calories. Obviously this did not work, so I started exercising more to feed my obsession.

I ran, or when I was too busy to run, I would do steps on my portable stepper. At least 10,000 steps a day. More if I ate too much. I would step till I saw that the calories burnt matched whatever excess I ate for that day according to my calorie tracking app. It got so obsessive that I broke five steppers in two years and also suffered from several bouts of runners’ knee and multiple stress fractures. I was diagnosed with osteopenia.

After many of years of this, several things happened (not at the same time, but spaced over a few years):

First, I started having problems keeping food down, with frequent stomach pains. I was diagnosed with stomach ulcers and was put on a cycle of medications.

Next, I found my teeth had become very sensitive, making it unpleasant to eat excessively cold or hot foods. I realised how brittle my teeth had become when I chipped a tooth while kissing someone. This stopped the oral purging for a while as I was afraid of losing my teeth but the laxative abuse continued.

Third, my skin took on an unhealthy pallor, leading to my dad commenting one day, “What happened to you? Why are you so yellow?!” I was like “I’m Chinese, of course I’m yellow!” But I looked more closely at myself that night in the mirror and realised that my skin was indeed dull and sickly. I just tried to convince myself that this was part of getting old, something called aging.

Lastly, after my graduation, I had a major mental breakdown. Everything fell apart and I was put on medication and therapy for being suicidal.

The most important thing I took away from therapy was the discipline it takes to maintain a healthy mind. Consistent exercise and regular sleep schedules were an important part of recovery. Food-wise, I ate whatever I wanted to but listened carefully to my body on when to stop.

I stopped counted calories or weighing myself. I stopped buying fashion magazines or following models’ Instagram pages. I stopped using Facebook for the longest time.

It was incredibly difficult.

The hardest part was learning to be ok with myself no matter what I looked like; to control the rising panic I would feel when clothes fit a little too snug; the disgust I would feel upon looking in the mirror; to be a little kinder to myself; to let go of caring about society’s expectations of me as a woman.

I know I will never have a thigh gap. My hips will never shrink. My tummy will never be as flat as I want it to be. I will always have broad angular shoulders.

And that is ok.

The biggest test came half a year into recovery after I fractured my knee and was unable to put any weight on it. The only exercise I was allowed to do was swimming and I disliked swimming as I still get uncomfortable displaying my body in public in a swimsuit.

Thus, I did no exercise for close to a year. I was still in the healthy weight range for my height, but constantly got remarks that I should watch my weight. Then came that remark: “Girls above 60kg are unattractive.”

….. and it did not bother me.

My immediate reaction was to laugh, the immediate thought was “Why should I care if you find me unattractive?”

But shortly after, I decided that even if I was happy and comfortable in my skin, I should not be complacent and compromise my health. I started exercising again, starting slowly from yoga and progressing towards running. A couple of months later, my ex classmate, Shan Ming, brought up doing a race together and we signed up for my first race, the 2016 10km YOLO run. Later in the year I finally joined the ROCKrunners (after half a year of persuasion from Shanming).

I was initially hesitant as I had the impression that running clubs were competitive and exclusive. I preferred to run at my own pace and whatever distance I wished without being judged. However after finally agreeing to come for one session at ROCKrunners, I was surprised to find that I enjoyed it!

The people are warm and encouraging, and although I am largely quiet and introverted, I always felt comfortable and welcome. Every week I ended the session feeling happy and energised despite having to drag myself out of bed early to get there. (Pro tip: Go to bed dressed in your running attire with bag packed!)

The opportunity to pace for the SCSM Womens’ Squad has further built up my confidence and where I previously would not have thought to run more than 3km, I hope to do my first half marathon in 2018.

One year on, RR has become a consistent point in my weekly schedule and one I am very happy to pen into my calendar. Having a healthy body image is not a destination but something I constantly work to maintain, and being around the happy, positive people of RR makes the journey easier and also that much more joyful! Thank you for being awesome and always supportive; I am truly honoured to be chosen as the ROCKstar of the Month for November and to share my story!