As long as I can remember, I have suffered anxiety issues and binge eating. I think my first episode of binge eating was at around 6 years old.

I’m not sure exactly what triggered this at such a young age, but there were a few struggles I faced – my parents had an abusive relationship, my mum suffered mental health issues and at times I ended up being the sole carer for my brother, but overall I would consider that I had a fairly happy childhood. I mean, as a child this is all you know, so it doesn’t affect you too much. However, as I got older I really struggled- turning to self harm as a method of escape when it all got too much.

Throughout all of this, as a regular swimmer and being generally active, I remained slim. In fact I had the opposite problem and was regularly teased for my ‘chicken legs’ – something I am still self conscious of until this day (see middle photo above).

By the time I reached university I was regularly binging followed by days and weeks of punishing myself through extreme dieting- I tried everything.

I would have episodes (usually on nights when I was alone) where I would pre-plan a binge, spending all day thinking about what I was going to eat, which shops I would go to, etc. After eating all of this, I still couldn’t stop and I’ll end up finishing any food in the cupboard.

At times I would bin all my food (whilst making sure it was truly inedible) in an attempt to stop me eating it. I was diagnosed with hypothyroidism (see first picture in next photo) around the same time- I still don’t know if this was a consequence of my behaviour.

At this point, for the first time, I really struggled with my weight. It was at this point that my eating got really bad. I became afraid to eat anything and if I felt I had eaten something ‘bad’ I would immediately follow it with packets of laxatives (early on I realised I found it hard to induce vomit….).

This was also about the time I first started exercising; but unfortunately it was mainly to ensure I was negative for my daily calorie intake. I would run and run, whilst only taking 3 cups of soup a day.

This exercise-to-be-in-calorie-deficit continued for about a year until a close friend died of cancer. Around the same time I also passed out with palpitations after taking a huge number of laxatives. This should have been a turning point for me, but I only got worse.

My anxiety spiralled out of control and I would spend hours and hours in the gym taking out my anger on myself- pushing myself to the point of exhaustion, sometimes even overdosing on my medication to help keep my weight down.

This pattern continued for years and by this time I had completely forgotten how to eat normally. In terms of relationships, I pushed people away as soon as anything got serious.

Then in 2012 I met Paul. It took a year of seeing how my behaviour upset him to finally make me realise where I was heading. I realised it was not just myself now I was hurting. Despite my several consistent attempts to push him away, he stuck with me.

I began to make small changes to my diet and exercise regime; ensuring that I always had something to eat at every meal was a major stepping stone. I started to focus on using exercise and food to feel better and fuel my body. Gradually I started to exercise and eat to feel the best way I could, rather than use them as weapons against myself.

I completed my first half-marathon back in 2010. The feeling of accomplishment at the finish line was so fulfilling that my mindset towards running slowly shifted. I saw what I had achieved, both physically and mentally, from my training, and so I stopped using running as punishment. From there I did a few more half-marathons and a 16-mile trail run before I moved to Singapore in 2015.

I have always cycled too, and I really enjoy the freedom and head space it gives me. If I’m honest, I’m much more of a cyclist than a runner, which is why I find running groups so great.

After coming to Singapore I completely stopped running as I found the heat and working hours difficult. However, ROCKrunners has been a great motivation to get me out and run after a long shift. Everyone is super supportive and open with their own struggles. It feels like a big family and seeing other runners whilst training, at races or even giving words of encouragement on Instagram really gives you a boost in your own journey.

I still have bad patches with my anxiety and panic attacks, but they are much less frequent. I haven’t binged or had the ‘urge’ to binge in well over 4 years now. Keeping a healthy body really helps when my mind is not doing well, but it is also important to surround yourself with people who will support and be there for you regardless.

A lot of people laugh at me for exercising most days, but exercise helps my mood. I never track calories now, I don’t care how much I burn on the machine, I don’t care how much I weigh and I’m also careful to take rest days or time off if I feel like my body needs it. I’m also much less bothered of people’s opinions these days- they can think what they want; I know I’m much stronger physically and mentally for keeping active!

I am now training for my first duathlon in Singapore!