“Since I was young, self-love and body acceptance are subjects I’ve always struggled with. The moment I hit puberty, I went from a weight that was acceptable to borderline overweight. I went from dressing in clothes from the children’s department to wearing size 10 from the women’s section. At 11 years old, I became one of the tallest and biggest girls in the class.
My self-esteem worsened when people around me called me fat. They would ask questions like “What happened to you?” or “Why are you so fat now?” Relatives will comment that I’m too big and that I take up too much space in the car. I was always told to take the front seat of the car so as not to tilt the entire car to one side. In school I was an outcast because of my looks and I was treated as a weird specimen. Classmates would say I was smelly and ugly, and anyone who was nice to me would be teased. Needless to say, I didn’t have many friends back then.
As a child, I was bullied and called a number of names – goldfish, fishmonger, giant, crybaby. I tried to tell people about it but no one saw it as bullying. Adults told me to stop being so sensitive and that my peers were just having harmless fun. I was poked by random objects and then laughed at for reacting to these incidents. How did that not translate to bullying?! I remember counting down the days to my graduation so I could move on to another school and finally leave that toxic environment.
Due to those incidents, I struggled with depression. However, my family didn’t believe me. Like the others, they told me that I was being overly sensitive and it was the truth that I was too fat. Until now, my parents will comment that I need to slim down more or I won’t be able to find a boyfriend. Well-meaning friends would send me the latest diet trends, encouraging me to try various diet products and programmes. About seven years ago, I decided to try out one of the diet plans where you had to drink a meal replacement shake to significantly reduce the amount of carbohydrates you consume, and helped you count calories with ease in order to lose weight.
But all I received from my efforts then were gastric issues and extremely low self-esteem. I not only spent a great amount of money on the diet programme, but I ended up spending more due to my gastric medication. I felt miserable – hating myself and my body for being the way it was and wondering what was wrong with me. After months of unhappiness, I decided to stop the programme on my own accord. It wasn’t worth risking my health for. In the end, I did not lose any weight during the entire duration when I was on the programme. That was the most drastic thing I ever did to myself in an attempt to change my appearance.
Even at my lowest point in secondary school, when it seemed to me that it was too painful to be called “undesirable” for my size and looks, I never actually tried purging my food. I turned to something else instead – self-harm. I would use the pointy end of a mechanical pencil to try inflicting pain on myself (because the marks would not be obviously visible to anyone else) in order to numb out the other feelings I had trouble coping with. Somehow, I didn’t do anything more than that. Maybe I didn’t have the courage, but I’m glad I didn’t cave in to the pressure.
Looking back now, although that period was tough, it also ‘hardened my skin’. I learnt that crying did nothing as it only made the bullying worse. I learnt to hide how deeply affected I was and pretend I was okay. When I was in secondary school, I tried my best to fit in. I learnt to appreciate having a core group of friends who did not judge me and would be my support system as I navigated those teenage years. I also learnt that holding grudges did nothing for my mental well-being, as revenge is never the answer. Over the years, I’ve gradually let go and am now still in contact with some of my primary school classmates. I guess the saying “What doesn’t kill you, makes you stronger” is true.
When I was in my final year in university, a friend of mine asked me if I would like to take up ballroom dancing together with her. You see, I’ve always been interested in dancing but I never dared to try it. I felt that I was too big to be a dancer as all my friends who dance are all so slim. In that same year, So You Think You Can Dance was on its second season and there was a plus-sized dancer, Donyelle Jones. She was not only a phenomenal dancer, she even thrived her way through the competition to the final four. Watching Donyelle light up the stage made me think that perhaps I could pick up dancing too. So when the opportunity presented itself, I took it; I started ballroom dancing that very year.
As I started my journey as a dancer, I was always told I was too big. Two significant incidents however, remained etched in my mind. I remember I was excitedly shopping for my first pair of street Latin dance shoes (when I first picked up salsa dance) when the shop owner expressed his disbelief that I was the dancer and not my slimmer colleague. He said I was too fat to be a dancer and didn’t think I would last long. He can eat his words now – 12 years, two knee operations and still dancing.
Another was a junior who just started learning ballroom dance. She commented directly to my face, “Fat people should not dance. It is so unsightly.” Her words just made me more determined to prove her wrong.
However, at times due to such comments, it was a struggle for me to dare to perform on stage in skimpy costumes that exposed all my flaws. I felt like a dumpling rather than a sexy performer. But after discovering more and more body positive role models, I started shifting my perspective to focus on being happy and healthy, rather than trying to fit into a social ideal.
My mindset changed for the better in 2015 when I discovered body positive models like Ashley Graham and Gabi Fresh. That was when I began to feel like I, too, should appreciate myself more. Ashley was in the news for being the first plus-sized model featured in Sports Illustrated, in an ad for swimwear brand Swimsuits for All. I was amazed at her confidence and how she didn’t care that she was a curvy girl modelling bikinis. I was also intrigued that there are swimwear brands out there that caters to the plus-sized market. I went on the site and found Gabi Fresh through that platform. Through Ashley and Gabi, I started following the body positivity movement, specifically #ImNoAngel (in response to Victoria’s Secret’s angels) and #effyourbeautystandards.
Before I came across them, I would never wear a bikini and would always hide my body under loose-fitting clothes. So seeing all these women (not just influencers and curvy models) confidently flaunting their curves felt empowering to me. I started believing that my curves were worthy of being shown too and purchased my first ever bikini that same year.
In that same year, I engaged a personal trainer to help me reach my fitness goals. Today, I’ve never felt stronger and I’m still surprised by what I can do. I’m not slimmer – the digits on the scale would tell you I’m overweight – but my medical reports would also say I’m healthy. I’ve learnt to appreciate my body and my curves more. I have more respect for what I’m capable of; people think that someone my size can’t dance but I’ve not only been dancing, I’ve also been performing and now I teach Ceroc (modern jive). Sometimes after a performance, someone would come up to me and share how I’ve inspired them to keep dancing and even try out for performance teams themselves. Hearing that, I’m glad I’ve been able to inspire someone the way Donyelle, Ashley and Gabi have inspired me.
There has been a lot of debate on whether the body positivity movement is helpful or harmful, and whether obesity was being glorified by celebrating plus-sized people. There are people who feel that activewear brands should not have plus-sized models because it gives the wrong idea that looking fat is okay. The thing is, there are many plus-sized models out there who are also active and work out as hard as any other person. There are plus-sized fitness trainers too.
I want to use this platform to make a stand that your size and body shape should never be a reason for you to feel like you are unable to do or achieve something, no matter what other people may say. If you want to learn how to dance, do it. If you want to wear a bikini, do it. If you want to take a spin class, do it. The fact is, people will judge and will never stop judging. So how long are you going to let their judging limit you from doing what you want to do?
I stand for body positivity and accepting yourself no matter what size or shape you are. No fat shaming, no skinny shaming, just self-love. Once you start seeing yourself in a more positive light, that’s when change kicks in. You’ll want to genuinely do something to positively benefit yourself mentally.
In my own journey, I began enjoying working out once I stopped seeing it as a means to help me lose weight. I saw it as a way to achieve a healthier lifestyle, so that I could live better and be happier. Have the numbers on the weighing scale decreased? No. But I’m more toned now and am working towards achieving my own fitness goals – that one full, proper push-up (no longer doing knee push-ups, yay!), being able to do rollovers, maybe I’ll even be able to do a split one day! Who knows? The sky is the limit and only you yourself can limit yourself.
Just as utopias don’t truly exist, that ideal body shape the media and weight loss advertisements portray doesn’t truly exist. If it does, these guys would be out of business. Find a body positive role model you can connect with and surround yourself with positivity whenever you find yourself struggling with body image. Make your health and well-being your priority.
For my fellow plus-sized girls, I understand the challenges you face and the frustrations you are going through. There is a growing local community of plus-sized women supporting one another, as well as a number of local clothing brands catering to the plus group in the market now. You are not alone. Join the community and let us support one another. ” – Mei Lee, 34, Communications
Mei is wearing The Full Moon Padded Bralette in Navy from Our Bralette Club. We also have a special offer of 15% off at Our Bralette Club with our promo code!
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Photos by Tim Yap
