I first felt insecure about my body when I was in primary school. I had to join my school’s Trim & Fit (TAF) club and at first, I didn’t know what it meant but my relatives did. They started saying ‘Oh you’re too fat’ and ‘You’re in it because you need to lose weight’. That was when I started being insecure about the way I looked and how much I weighed. The constant teasing from relatives really made me hate my body and the way I looked.

After my primary school education, I went on to study at Singapore Sports School. At that moment, I thought to myself “Wow! This is a great opportunity for me to become skinny and lose all that weight.” Then I started trying very hard to lose weight. I would push myself so hard during bowling training and skipped most of my meals. In the end, I became so weak and fell sick often. But I thought it was all worth it because of the weight I lost! I could finally wrap my fingers around my wrist and I was so skinny that I looked like I was all bones. 

Unfortunately, my unhealthy and toxic mindset affected me a lot, especially emotionally. When I started gaining even just a little weight, I started becoming anxious and self-conscious. My clothes were getting tighter and then suddenly, I couldn’t fit into them. 

Some days I skipped my meals, some days I tried to push myself even harder during trainings. I tried so hard to lose the weight I’ve gained to try and get back to the weight that I was. I became obsessed with the numbers on the scale. Every day, I stood on the weighing scale wishing that the numbers would drop instead of going up. 

I skipped meals, constantly worked out and I even took supplements to help lose weight – but there weren’t much results. I hated my body, the way I looked. I was always so insecure about my body, especially my stomach and thighs. I would always cover up as much as I could, suck in my tummy whenever I was around people, and even my boyfriend at that time. 

Then I got pregnant. That was a terrible time for me. I thought that my body became hideous. I hated it a lot. After I gave birth in 2018, I could barely look at myself in the mirror; all the loose skin, the stretch marks… I hated it even more. But I knew that this body that I hated so much, brought the cutest little girl into this world, my world. 

Over time, looking at my daughter every day after birth, I slowly changed my mindset about my body. I had to accept myself for who I am. What would I be teaching my daughter if I couldn’t even love myself?

I didn’t want her to hate herself and her body just because she didn’t look a certain way. I started following Instagram accounts that were all about body positivity, especially mothers who were open about the way their body looked after birth. 

I never did manage to lose the weight that I’ve gained. All these years, I’ve been trying to lose the weight but it just seems really hard. Nothing seems to work. Even though seeing the stretch marks and the numbers on the weighing scale make me despise myself, I constantly try to remind myself that this body is now healthy, and it gave birth to an amazing daughter and it helped care for her.

I started trying to do things that made me happy, ate the food I liked in moderation, and worked out occasionally. It can be hard sometimes when my husband is always teasing me about my body – being fat and short – but I’m definitely much happier now. I’m still insecure about my body, but I’m getting there – slowly but surely. I’ll be happy with my body one day. I may be overweight and insecure, but my daughter still loves me for me. That’s all that matters to me now.