Category: Uncategorized

I was taken by surprise when I got the news that I am the ROCKstar of the Month for March and it did take some time before the news sunk in. I did not feel that I deserved such honour as, to me, I am just a broken soul who is still picking up pieces and healing from the wounds inflicted over the past year and nowhere a bright shining star.

The last quarter of 2015 and the whole of 2016 has been an extremely trying period as I saw my marriage crumble. It really hurt when the realisation hit me – that the person I loved deeply was no longer the same person I have known for the past decade. Suddenly I am alone to face the world.

To be honest, I am a person with very low self-confidence and my ex-husband is the exact opposite.

Over the years we were together I drew inspiration from him to stand up for myself and he has encouraged me to be more independent and confident about myself. He also taught me to speak up. Over the years I pushed myself out of my comfort zone to be a better girlfriend and subsequently to be a better wife.

Thus, when the betrayal happened, this same person who pushed me to have more self–confidence completely crushed my self-esteem – “I am no longer attracted to you” was what he said.

These cutting words made me hate myself. I started to blame myself for the failure of my marriage and it went to the extent that I booked myself a trip to Bangkok for an appointment with a plastic surgeon because I wanted to change how I look to try and keep him by my side.

Thankfully a friend managed to talk me out of it -‘Don’t let your loyalty make a fool out of you’ she said. Despite calling off plans to go under the knife, I still hated what I saw in the mirror and I started punishing myself by working out like crazy, in hope that I can look better.

Though it was admittedly excessive, it was an outlet for me to release the anger and pain I had inside. The pain in the heart seemed more bearable when I trained harder. Others might have turned to alcohol or drugs, but my escape was working out. It gave me momentary relief from reality.

I started running again, after almost a decade of hiatus. Running always gives me a sense of calmness and honestly I do have a love-hate relationship with it – because I run whenever my life is in a mess.

Through this period, I also lost my appetite and interest in food. There was also this fear that if I eat, my hard work at the gym will go to waste and I wouldn’t look good enough for him. My crazy workout schedule and lack of proper food took a toll on my body, causing my anxiety attacks to get more intense and frequent. There were times when I passed out and woke up later, not remembering what happened prior to me blacking out.

I was mentally, emotionally and physically tired.

My body took so much punishment that it finally caved on the day my divorce was finalised. I collapsed and when I saw the doctor, he warned me that if I continued to put so much stress on my body I might get a cardiac arrest and it will cost me my life.

For a moment, I did wish that my life would end because I was so tired of fighting. However, I saw the grief I caused my parents and my wake-up call came when my dad (who hardly is the affectionate type) hugged me so tight one day and told how much he loved me that he will take care of me if no one else will. I am very much a daddy’s girl and those words struck me hard.

It reminded me of a promise I made – to never put my parents through such ordeals again after my seven-year struggle with an eating disorder; a past that haunts me every now and then.

My battle with anorexia

It all started because this guy I had a crush on said, “Your ass is too big to get back on the canoe”. That made me wage a war on myself and the weighing machine.

Since young, I have always felt that I am bigger than others because of my height and my frame is not of the typical Asian girl. Being an introvert, I hated being so ‘outstanding’ but it didn’t affect me that much until that guy made that comment.

That’s when I started marking out all the flaws on my body – my heavy bottom, my thunder thighs, my huge ankles, my flabby tummy. Everything became magnified. The only way that I could think of to lose weight was to eat less and exercise more.

There was a point that I spent up to five hours at the gym daily, followed by two hours of swimming and/or running and all I ate was an apple or maybe two if I feel I deserve the ‘treat’. I felt a sense of accomplishment when I saw the numbers on the scale decrease and it became a challenge to weigh less each time.

The obsession made me shut myself off from everyone. I had to find excuses not to have meals with my family or meet my friends. I didn’t see the harm that I was doing to my body because to me I was never slim enough. My parents were getting worried but I kept telling them that I am ok… till my body started to shout for help.

My period stopped, I was always tired, exercising became harder due to the lack of energy and I was getting bad fainting spells, frequently passing out in public. That’s when my parents dragged me to see a psychiatrist and I was diagnosed as an anorexic.

I hated the sessions because I didn’t want to get better and I ignored whatever the doctor was saying. Than the worst came when my body started to reject food and I couldn’t keep anything in. I had to go on the drip and all I could think of was the weight I was going to put on after all of that.

I was placed on close watch during meal times, having to show that I swallowed my food. That made me feel like a prisoner but in hindsight, I couldn’t imagine how my parents felt. Now I realise how strong they were for me.

I was emotionally and mentally in the doldrums at that point of time. The weekly weigh-ins were horrifying as I saw the numbers on the scale going up. I fell into depression and I was starting to get suicidal. The doctor had to prescribe me the ‘Happy Pill’ to keep me sane. I was going in and out of hospital so often and my weight started yo-yoing as I became anorexic, bulimic and then started binge eating.

It didn’t help that I got into a toxic relationship and the stress from the final year at university caused me to hit a wall and attempt suicide.

I swallowed every single pill I could find within my reach. I wasn’t sure if it was hallucination or divine powers, but I heard a voice say, “Come to me my dear daughter, I can take away your pain.” The next thing I knew I started throwing up and all I could remember when I woke up on the toilet floor was how much I wanted to go to church.

That very day was a turning point of my life. Two months later I got baptised – therefore my middle name Gabrielle – and I was also discharged by the doctors. I was lucky to have found spiritual growth which helped me in my recovery.

But I realised that there wasn’t much support or awareness with regard to eating disorders at the point of time. It was after my recovery that my psychiatrist and psychologist started a support group for eating disorder sufferers.

Having a support group is important because it helps to know that we are not alone fighting our battles and we can motivate each other along the way. That is when Rock The Naked Truth (RTNT) was formed and it was like a message sent from God.

At a point when I was mentally vulnerable, the encouragement and the messages posted on RTNT were constant reminders for me – the importance of self-love and that we deserve better and how we should never compromise ourselves for others.

I read stories of others overcoming their adversities and it made me reflect on my own struggle and how I always end up punishing my body just because I wanted to fit in and to be loved. I punished my body for the sake of getting people to accept me.

With RTNT, it has made me realise the importance of self-love, to appreciate ourselves and the body we are born with and by loving ourselves it becomes the greatest gift to the people who love us. It’s odd how we always remember and take conscious effort to give out more love but yet forgetting to ourselves along the way.

For me, the RTNT movement is like a voice of the many out there who are quietly struggling with themselves and their body and often not even realising the harm they are causing themselves until it is too late.

Without the constant reminders and positive messages, I would have still be punishing myself and would probably not be on my feet doing the things I love with the people I care for. Though it took me a long time before I decided to step out of my comfort zone to attend my first RTNT event – which was the ROCKtri cycling event – I’m glad I did. Subsequently with much encouragement from the founder Cheryl, I joined ROCKrunners for their weekly Saturday morning runs.

It was great to finally meet the people whose bright smiles on Instagram were my strength and source of inspiration during my darkest times. I have ever wondered whether the smiles are just for the camera, but I am now thankful that I have the privilege to feel the sincerity and warmth of these happy faces and be part of it too.

Despite not being an early bird, waking up on Saturday for a dosage of laughter and positive vibes simply helps to make a dull week chirpier and a weekend brighter.

Often we are not able to choose the events that happen in our lives, nor the pain, hurt or sorrow that come barging in. They often come unwelcome, catching us off our guards. It’s ok to cry and suffer; it’s not that we are weak but it’s something we need to go through as it’ll shape our perception of life.

I have learnt to never let the pain and suffering take away the faith or hope in life. Find the little things to be thankful for even when there are a million things bearing you down.

Thank you RTNT for helping me through my darkest times and for reminding me that I do deserve good things in life and our body is meant to be loved and not punished. Thank you ROCKfam and ROCKrunners for the love, motivation and laughter shared. May we continue to love ourselves more each day so that we can love many more out there! ☺

---

ROCKstar of the Month is a monthly award given to an inspiring individual who advocates a positive mindset and living an active lifestyle (see full requirements below). 

Requirements to be a ROCKstar of the Month awardee:

• SUPPORT – Believes strongly in the movement and advocates the right mindset
• INFLUENCE – Displays ability to be a positive influence to those around him/her
• ENTHUSIASM – Regularly attends Rock The Naked Truth events
• LEADS BY EXAMPLE – Demonstrates desire to improve lifestyle aligned with the movement
• CONTRIBUTION – Does his/her part to give back to the movement

A column by Olympian and national rower Aisyah Gala

I just got off the bike.

Another two hours on the stationary bike done and dusted. I have been cycling either on the stationary bike or on my road bike on a wind trainer almost everyday for seven weeks now, since I dislocated my shoulder. Sometimes, I’d cycle twice a day.

Sitting on the stationary bike is absolutely mundane but I won’t bore you with my daily rant about having to sit on the bike. I realised that this injury, as annoying and frustrating as it is, has taught me valuable lessons that I might not have been able to grasp if not for it.

Being out of the boat means that I train on my own almost all the time now. That means no training partners to push me, no coach to give me feedback on my technique and no one to keep track of my speed and cadence. Easily, I can choose to tell myself that I’m too tired or too lazy to train and skipping one session won’t kill me and no one will ever know about it. But I haven’t skipped any training because I can’t seem to find a good enough excuse that I can use to miss training.

Having the bike set up on the wind trainer in my bedroom, literally seconds away from my bed, means that I still can train even if there’s a natural disaster going on outside my room. Furthermore, this is the first thing that I see hanging on my wall when I open my eyes every morning:

There have been plenty (oh God yes, many) of days where I drag myself out of bed to sit on the bike. I would whine and even cry and hate life for being so cruel for making me do this, but after getting a grip on myself and (most importantly) after posting an Instagram/Facebook update on how much I hate cycling, I would wipe my tears, put on my cycling gear and train.

What I’ve learnt in these seven weeks or so of doing almost nothing else but cycling is that, sometimes you can’t always do what you love but you have to do what you hate to really appreciate the moments when you get to do what you love. Sounds complicated, but not really. Just think of it this way- sometimes you just have to shut up and do it because that’s the only thing you can do.

Control the controllables.

I hear this phrase way too many times but it makes so much sense! Spending all these hours being angry that I’m injured isn’t doing good to me at all so might as well I spend these moments being grateful that it’s just a shoulder dislocation and not a fracture or a broken bone which would take longer to heal.

I can’t control what has happened but I know that cycling will help me make my legs stronger. I can’t control how fast my shoulder will heal but I can control how much effort I put in to my sessions. BUT I can control how I approach my trainings- whether I choose to sit on the bike and dread my next few hours on it or tell myself that this session is going to be awesome. When I’m in control of things in my life, I feel better.

I have learnt to be utterly, painstakingly patient. It has been a crazy emotional roller-coaster ride for me. One day, I would feel like I’ve been thrown to the deepest depths of misery and disappointment and the next day, I would feel like I’m on the top of the world.

When I find myself going into this dark place and having dark thoughts like, “I’ve wasted all these weeks doing nothing” I would quickly snap myself out of this and look for the light. Optimism and happiness are found to aid in the healing process. So hey, chin up and smile!

Maybe my body is telling me to have a break before something actually falls apart and breaks. Maybe being out of the boat will make me hungry once I get back on water. You don’t have to be an elite athlete to get injured because it can happen to anyone. And it sucks. It totally sucks to be injured because you feel absolutely useless. I know the feeling.

But here’s the thing- you can either see the injury as something that drags you down or you can take it as a challenge that will help you grow and propel you forward. I cannot insist more on changing how we should look at things.

Our thoughts will determine our future. If I have to come up with a list of how to make the best out of getting injured, here it is:

1. Be grateful that whatever happened to you, you’re still alive. It could have been worse.

2. Ask a reliable medical professional for advice on your recovery timeline. If it means having to miss the upcoming race/event, then accept it and move on. There’s always another one to sign up for.

3. Talk to other patients who have been through the same injury. This helped me a lot on what to expect after my ACL reconstruction and it made me mentally prepared for it.

4. Be hardworking and diligent on the recovery process. Rehab sucks and is boring as hell but it is important. Also, listen to your body.

5. Be absolutely patient- so patient that the Tibetan monks will be so proud of you. Know that eventually, everything will be okay.

6. Eat good food that aids in the recovery process. For example, avocado contains omega-3 fatty acids that enhances wound healing and reduces inflammation. Make Google your best friend and be open to learning. Make use of this time to become smarter so you can show off these knowledge gained to your friends in the future.

7. Stay positive. Accept it that you’re injured and stop feeling sad or angry or disappointed or miserable because there are so many other reasons to be happy about. (Like making your sibling bring food to your bed if you happened to be bedridden because of your injury.)

Also, think about it this way- the happier you are, the faster you’ll heal.

“Above all else, we’ll see that champions take pride in comebacks, relishing the opportunity to come back stronger.”
-Jim Afremow, The Champion’s Comeback.