“Growing up, I developed body image issues due to relatives and family members who kept picking on my size. They would always pass comments about my body like, “You’re too fat to be a ballerina.” or “You’ve put on so much weight.”
I started ballet at the age of seven. It was one of the many skills I tried to pick up, but I got bored of it and did not continue past primary school. Although ballet is no longer a big part of my life, that particular comment (about being too fat to be a ballerina) is one I wil remember for a very long time.
It was said to me by a distant relative whom I felt didn’t even know me but proceeded to judge me immediately based on how I looked. I started gaining weight rapidly at about the age of 10 as I had just stopped artistic gymnastics, and when that comment was passed, my immediate family did not even defend me. They felt it was a funny “joke” which hurt me even more.
In hindsight, I believe it was a comment that slowly conditioned me to associate my self-worth, ability and talent to how I looked, even as a very young girl. There were many comments from my family that I was fat, ever since I was young, but that very comment was just one of the most ‘memorable’, and one that I believe will stick with me forever.
As a chubby kid, these comments sparked my hyper-consciousness of how I looked in others’ eyes, and it was no surprise that I too, started believing I was fat. In primary school, my feelings of fatness denigrated my self-confidence which made me so much more introverted than the other kids.
Even in my teenage years when I hit my growth spurt and looked “skinnier”, I still felt fat. Even when I ate in a disordered fashion and lost weight rapidly by starving myself, I still felt fat. All my life I’ve felt fat because of all the relentless comments on my body size (which are mostly from family).
My real body size has fluctuated so many times, but the feeling of fatness has never left. I am a believer that if a notion is repeated to you enough (from outside voices/the media), it really influences how you talk to yourself. It’s really insidious. As a young child, there was no way for me to know better, and eventually my self-talk and self-view became negative.
As a result, all my life I’ve always thought myself as fat. I’ve never looked like my skinny, petite friends. It doesn’t help that I stand freakishly tall — at 176cm – when my parents are only of average build. More interestingly, my brother is 192cm and much broader than me (the real friendly giant). You’ll have to ask my grandma what she fed us when we were children, because the reason for our crazy heights is still a big mystery to everyone. I have really broad shoulders and am muscular due to the sports I play, like netball. It was rare to find a female of my build and size, and it made me feel alienated, alone, and simply put — abnormal.
I’ve played netball since I was 13. It was one of the many hobbies that I picked up, along with piano, violin, ballet and artistic gymnastics. In the end, none of these stuck with me – as I got bored and never followed through – except for netball. I’ve always loved the game so much since my teenage years. It has taught and shaped me a lot.
My life has really been a roller coaster but netball has been the only constant in my life since the age of 13. It has taught me the importance of hard work and perseverance, and has provided an outlet to escape during my darkest years.
At 14, I started starving myself. I would eat breakfast at home and not eat anything till dinner at home, because it would be suspicious to my family if I did not eat my breakfast and dinner with them. In school, I would make up excuses to my friends to convince them I was not hungry or had no money. I still continued training thrice a week, but of course I felt weak and could not perform my best. I lost 5kg in a few months and I think at that point I was the skinniest I had ever been in my life. But of course, I still had a warped understanding of self-worth and I was still really unhappy on the inside.
My confidence and self-esteem have always been low all my life. It was netball that gave me an arena to tangibly prove to myself time and again that my performance exponentiates when I believe in myself and fight for what I want. I had a short stint in the 21&U (21 and under) team, and I felt really intimidated by all the talented and amazing teammates I had. However, my constant comparison of myself to my teammates was debilitating and really affected my performance on court. Fear, stress and anxiety breed productivity and performance. Too much of those things really handicap your performance and potential in many aspects of life.
These insecurities grew exponentially when I gained 10kg within three months leading up to my A level examinations. After ending my stint with the 21&U team in October 2018, I stopped all physical activity and spent every day in the library for hours just studying, sedentarily. I was doing really badly in school and I was mortified at the thought of not being able to enter a local university.
Thus I neglected my physical and mental well-being and dedicated my entire existence to make it to university. Let’s not forget the kind of stress I was under every breathing moment – and stress eating became a way for me to cope with how I was feeling. This period of my life was so unhealthy and it’s not surprising to me that I gained that much of weight in the period leading up to my national examinations. I not only gained 10kg, but I gained an additional 5kg. I felt so terrible. I had a little taste of what being “skinny” felt like, and then I ended up way worse than before I even started my disordered eating patterns.
I never saw myself the same way ever again. When I entered university, I was shy and didn’t know how to face new people after gaining all that weight. In my first semester, I started developing large, red and painful cystic acne all over my face. It was the first time I experienced acne because my face had been clear for the most of my life. I became even more insecure, especially because I lived on campus. That meant having to face schoolmates almost 24/7, even though all I wanted to do was hide my face, acne and unwanted weight.
I began to suspect that I was suffering from some sort of hormonal imbalance or polycystic ovary syndrome (PCOS). Excessive weight gain, cystic acne, hirsutism, and irregular cycles were just a few of the symptoms that I observed. I put off going to the doctor till the end of my second semester of university, when I had more time to focus on my physical and mental health.
I am still undiagnosed, but my doctor told me that based on my family’s medical history and my current symptoms, I’m likely insulin resistant. She told me I need to lose weight before I see improvement in my symptoms. That made me feel like my fatness was to blame for all the symptoms I’ve been experiencing. It’s really awful having to deal with all the unwanted weight, and the acne. My shattered self-esteem plummeted in my first year of university, the year I should be getting out there and meeting new friends. I grew even more self-conscious and shied away from interaction.
The doctor advised me to cut all visible carbohydrates such as rice, bread, noodles. I was devastated upon hearing that because I love carbs. Seeking help from a medical expert was not the best experience too. On my visit, the doctor straight out pointed to my stomach and said “That’s got to go”. To be honest, it was a really traumatic doctor’s visit and it made me really stressed about losing weight in hope that it will regulate my cycle. I’ve also got follow-up appointments where I needed to meet a target weight.
At first I took her advice and cut out almost all visible carbs. My skin improved a fair bit, but I also felt lightheaded, I got headaches, and I just felt plain miserable. I’ve come to realise that cutting out food groups in their totality is just not the way to go and it is really unsustainable. So now, I still eat carbs – though less than before – but I’ve started focusing on fuelling my body with other nutrient dense foods such as vegetables, fruits, and proteins.
For a period of time, I felt pretty brainwashed by the doctor that time is of the essence and I MUST lose weight as soon as possible to alleviate my symptoms. I think it’s only natural for many of us to take what the doctor says as the biblical truth because of their extensive training and experience in the health industry. But I also hope we remember that we know our own bodies and mental health best.
I slowly began to realise that stressing my mental health and physical body to lose weight fast definitely would not fare well. I realised that there’s no rush because health is a lifelong journey. If I lose 10kg rapidly, but at the expense of my mental health and happiness, what’s the point? Would I truly be healthy? Would I be able to maintain that weight loss and continue to be healthy years down the road?
I have always been in this panicked, anxious and “kan cheong” state from young and I don’t know why. I realised the “kan cheong spider” approach will most likely hinder my weight loss because stress and cortisol isn’t good for the body either. Thus, I do what I can and I do what I think is best with all the information and knowledge I have about myself. If it takes months or even years, so be it.
In the meantime, I will learn to love my body more and try my best not to compare my current body to my old self. Sometimes I feel so hopeless when I come across photos from a year ago when my face was smooth and clear, or coming across photos of myself from two years back when I was skinnier.
Seeing how I used to look makes me upset. At times I feel like I was “pretty” and “thin” back in those days. On bad days, I still see myself as fat and hate myself for feeling the complete opposite of that now. I realised that it’s going to take years to relearn how to talk to myself in a positive way, instead of criticising myself constantly and repeating traumatising comments that have been told to me in my childhood. I try my best to take things day by day, and try my best to call myself out when I’m being mean or belittling myself.
I live and learn, but it really isn’t an easy process for me. Similarly, it’s going to take years for me to relearn that my identity goes way beyond my physical appearance. I have interests, passions, and many things in this world that make me feel alive. Reducing my self-worth to how I look just isn’t doing myself justice.
I’m a determined and strong young woman. I’m a psychology undergraduate with an interest in human behaviour. I’m a military history buff who loves learning about world conflict. I love diving. I love nature. I’m someone who perseveres and works my hardest to achieve my goals. I’m a survivor who is worthy of love.
I’ve always respected Our Bralette Club’s brand ethos of size inclusivity and I’m a personal fan of their products. Being ‘overweight’ at 176cm makes me different from many Singaporean girls who are on the petite side.
It’s hard. Sometimes I go into stores only to find out that they don’t carry a size big enough for me. Sometimes I try clothes and find that my shoulders are too broad for them. Sometimes I try dresses on and they are way too short for me. Sometimes I go online shopping and find that a top looks so damn good on the model, who is a size XS. But when it ships to me, I wonder why a size XL does not look flattering on me at all. The fashion industry sometimes does a ‘good job’ in making people on either ends of the body size spectrum feel abnormal. However, OBC’s inclusive sizing and representation normalises the coexistence of many types of body sizes and shapes. Just a scroll through their social media will show you their representation of real, unedited female bodies that is so beautiful!
My hope for Singapore is for more brands to realise that their model selection and size representation is so important in shaping how our society views less common body types, and how those of less common body types view themselves.
Most, if not all girls go through body image issues. But for some, it’s worse than others. Many aspects of life and society make it even harder for overweight women to love themselves, and I hope that there will be more awareness promoting the mental health of the overweight. On a more personal note, I feel that my story deserves to be heard. I had a lot of apprehension being open and vulnerable for this campaign. But ultimately, I did it for myself. I came to tell my story and find the conviction to claim my truths of confidence and self-love.
My hope for other women facing similar struggles is to listen and be aware of how you talk to yourself. Do you sound like your relative that called you fat? Do you sound like the bullies in school who called you names? No one can police your thoughts or how you talk to yourself. The onus is on you to make sure you speak to yourself with kindness. Yes, it’s important to be kind to others. But when was the last time you were kind to yourself? When was the last time you celebrated your identity, beyond how you look? When was the last time you remembered that you are more than your body?
The truth is, I will probably never look like any of the skinny or petite models on fashion websites but it does not make me any less normal, beautiful, or intelligent.” – Clarissa Asteria, 20, Psychology Undergraduate
Clarissa is wearing The New Monochrome Padded Midi Bralette in Black from Our Bralette Club.
**Get 15% off at Our Bralette Club with promo code <RTNTXOBC>.
Photos by Tim Yap
