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ROCKstar of the Month (October): Kan Kai Jia

I never thought I would become ROCKstar of the Month one day, so imagine how thrilled I was when I was told I’ve been picked as ROCKstar for the month of October! Well, everyone has their own story to tell, and that includes me. So here I am, ready to share my story with you guys out there. Are you guys ready for my story?

Note: It is not going to be the most pleasant story but it is something I’ve kept buried at the bottom of my heart.

When I was young, I was not the most likeable kid around. I remembered the nursery school teachers disliked me, so did my classmates. I was alone most of the time, in school and at home (because I had no siblings). I did have a few neighbours who were my playmates; the only ones who did not dislike me. So although I had my parents’ love all to myself without having to share with anyone else, I was not the happiest kid.

And then to make it worse, my first nightmare arrived. I cannot remember how old I was exactly, maybe I was 5 or 6, and someone I knew molested me. I shall omit the details, but I remember feeling so helpless and scared when I was in that little room with him then.

That was not the end of it.

Throughout my childhood till the end of my secondary school days, I had been molested by different men on different occasions. All these made me grow up as an inferior girl, causing me to have very low self-esteem. I hated myself, I hated myself for not retaliating, for not reporting, for not being uglier or fatter or less attractive to these men. Or maybe, I hated men too. And sometime during my secondary school days, I started to have this warped mindset, this goal of making myself less attractive, to make myself look fatter and uglier.

This feeling of wanting to “degrade” myself escalated during my ‘O’ levels year. I was worried about not doing well enough for my ‘O’ levels, but everyone around me reassured me that I would do fine, that I would pass with little difficulty. I decided to prove them wrong, so I ended up doing badly for my ‘O’ levels, and I had to retake them.

On my second attempt I did well enough to land myself in a Junior College. But being the girl with low self-esteem, and a perfectionist, I started putting pressure on myself, beating myself up for the littlest thing. And one fine day when I was in JC2, I just broke down while I was on the public bus. That was when I realised there was something not right, that I had to seek professional help. I had depression.

I did not do well enough to enter public university. It made me more depressed seeing my peers continuing their studies in university. I decided to start working and earning money first, to save for a private university education later. That was when I started to go for runs after work.

When I was schooling, I did not dislike the physical activities but running was not my favourite. However, I later discovered that running is very convenient (just need running shoes) and it helped to relieve stress from work. It also made me feel good knowing that I was able to run more consistently as compared to my colleagues who mostly stopped exercising after entering the workforce. I found the motivation to run alone and it felt good losing the extra weight and be more focused during working hours. I started to join running events with my close friends, doing 5km or 10km runs.

Life started to look better, with a stable job, a regular running regime, and a part-time degree. And then, another nightmare struck. Halfway during my university education, my dad suffered from a stroke. Thus, my mum had to quit her part-time job to care for my dad and I became the sole breadwinner at home.

During this time, my friend Xinni asked if a few of us if we wanted to join ROCKrunners together. We said yes, so with Stacy and Xiaohan, the 4 of us joined ROCKrunners. We joined the weekly runs, ad hoc running events, monthly workouts and life become more fulfilling. And then, just when I was starting to get used to life again, I got retrenched. As a result, I did not manage to complete my degree due to various reasons.

Although I do not manage to attend ROCKrunners regularly – and despite me being the slowest runner in the group – I appreciate being accepted by and being part of the group. When I was at the lowest point in my life, I had reservations about turning up for the running sessions and being a burden to the rest (for they were ever so encouraging and would run with me, pushing me to persevere during the runs, and wait for me to complete my run).

But the strong positive vibes and inclusivity kept pulling me back. This made me want to do more for the group, so I volunteered to help out in the SCSM Women Squad, in roles other than pacing. I’m so glad I did! Throughout the process of being part of the Squad, I found self-worth and fulfilment in being a cheerleader.

Fast forward to now, as I am writing this, I still have not found a stable job and things are not exactly looking great for me yet, but having gone through that much in my life, I am coping better. That said, I still feel down at times, but I am now better able to recognise those negative emotions and I allow myself some upset time, then I get out of it and get on with life.

Well, I am still not the fittest or the most confident girl, but I am starting to feel more comfortable with myself and how I look, and I accept and forgive myself more. I am also better able to protect myself physically and emotionally.

For this, I am grateful that I had the opportunity to do leisure sports, for being able to sweat and thereafter get over the upset stuffs, and also becoming healthier in the process. I would like to thank Cheryl, ROCKrunners and the ROCKfam for being so supportive and positive, being my silent motivation on many occasions (and of course for those workout sessions and running slots ;p).

Last but not least, I would like to thank Xinni for introducing us to Rock The Naked Truth and ROCKrunners, otherwise I would still have been the solo night runner and I would not have made so many new friends through running.

Thank you to everyone who has made a difference, big or small. You may not know it, but I do remember your kind gestures and kind words. I may not be able to list down and thank everyone but that does not mean it is not being appreciated! 😊

Ending this, I hope that by sharing my story, people would be kinder, more understanding and more compassionate to others around them. Also, exercising and sweating is a very good hobby to partake in!

Commercial time: Come and join Rock The Naked Truth and ROCKrunners okay? The people here are all nice people! (Note: I’m not paid for this! These are heartfelt words!)

Jiayou people, we can do it!!

ROCKstar of the Month (September): Agnes Chang

They say “Good boys go to Heaven, Bad boys bring Heaven to you” in the song Heaven by Julia Michaels. Maybe this is why women have a tendency to gravitate towards bad boys, despite all the damage they can render.

Road to Hell

I was in an abusive relationship for eight years. During this period, the person I was ceased to exist and my real self hid behind this new “Me”. Everything I did was controlled and directed by him. I was in a foreign land, could not speak the native language and had no support network. I cut my hair short and wore baggy T-shirts and berms all the time just to “look more decent and appropriate”. I became quiet and measured in everything I said, constantly carrying the fear of saying the wrong thing that will incite the explosions of anger and violence, flying ash trays, punches, kicks – and on one occasion – a brandished knife.

I was criticised for “not working the right way” to roll more profits into our business. I was lectured on the “evils of capitalism” in Singapore and how we Singaporeans are being brainwashed and spoon-fed (aka useless at doing business) and how lucky I was to be out of the system. He promised he will make it BIG and give me and my ageing family a better life – all I needed to do was trust him (and channel my savings to him for financial planning).

Why didn’t I leave?

I was young and in love. He can be charming at his best. I believed him when he assured me he would change after each incident. He begged me not to leave and to give him a chance. I told myself that no one was perfect and that I had to compromise to make a relationship work. Thus, I was convinced that I had personality flaws that were causing the problem, and things will get better once I minimise them.

It did not help that I was totally reliant on him for daily survival. I could not drive and there was no transport network like our train and bus networks here. I could not speak the native language well and had no local friends to confide in. I cut off all contact with family and friends with the excuses of a busy routine and poor internet network (true). Friends closest to me felt that something was amiss, but everything was well covered.

I was scared of walking out – the violence escalated the moment I tried to leave. I was also ashamed to admit that I was a victim – surrounded by friends that were strong independent women, how could I have allowed myself to have reached such a state?

So many other reasons.

Road to Redemption

My chance to break free finally came along – which occurred during one of the saddest chapters of my life. My dad – whom I love and adore to bits – had suffered a relapse of cancer. It was Stage 4 and palliative care was the only option. Moving back home was the right step forward – it gave me the courage to cut off all contact with him. It was a cowardly thing to do, but I “disappeared” totally and refused to pick up his calls or answer his messages.

It was tough during this time. I was in mild depression and exhausted all the time, wanting to sleep anytime anywhere. I would be having dinner with friends and falling asleep at the meal table – often times in the middle of conversations. I took up salsa dancing, Argentine tango, running, rock climbing, kayaking (with certifications)… anything that could occupy my time and distract me from my constant worrying.

Road to Recovery

My road to recovery was marked with many miracles and I couldn’t have done it without the love of God, family and friends. Through this network of support, I gained strength to endure the situation and carry on, with the faith and hope that it will get better.

I went back to diving to gain courage of conquering the depths of the oceans, after an absence of over 10 years. Spending time in nature helped soothe my endless anxiety and heal my wounds.

I first started running to lose weight even though it was an activity I hated and really didn’t enjoy. It was torturous dragging all that heavy load around and being overtaken by aunties twice my age during half-marathon races. I became half-hearted at doing something I was really bad at. But I kept at it as it helped me de-stress and the longer I ran, the better I felt.

Managing how I felt about running also gave me the strength to manage life with its hills and valleys. Somehow life (or the run) will start to feel better after you have endured the tough moments. And if I could enjoy something I hated to do, I figured I could better control how I felt about unpleasant things in life!

Similar to going through tough moments in life alone, running alone proved to be a real challenge. I would lose motivation along the way and only start training for races two weeks before. After completing over 20 half-marathons with little passion, enjoyment and much lacklustre, I decided to try my first marathon and hopefully inject some fun into running.

Despite being very shy about my running abilities, I decided to join ROCKrunners and become more committed to training. Joining RR has transformed my running journey – I met like-minded friends who are into running, working out and eating, and they encouraged me to keep on running; inspiring me to enjoy each run (and post-run food session); and selflessly sharing their knowledge, tips, and experience on running and on life as well. I became motivated to go for every training session, no matter how tired I was from a long hard day at work.

It took me close to four years to completely recover and emerge from the shadows. I recovered my outspoken personality to some degree, as I gained back the boldness to speak my mind safely, with no fear of repercussions. Most importantly, I am learning to love myself more and more everyday. I hope the sharing of My Naked Truth will be useful to anyone who is going through similar situations.