Deemed malnourished by her doctor, Aarti Olivia Dubey was given appetite inducers from the ages of 7 to 9. These completely changed her appetite control, her body and also her view of the world as she was suddenly treated very, very unkindly after gaining weight.

“At 10, the transition from being a skinny kid – who was fattened up not by choice – to becoming a chubby kid was a sharp one and did me no favours; not at home, not at school,” said the 39-year-old plus sized fashion blogger and activist. “And I continued to struggle with my body and weight, with it getting worse over the years until I reached 30.”

“The pressure to look good from both my parents, in-laws and just society in general constantly made me feel inadequate,” she recalled. “The year of my wedding I was hardly eating anything – I was just surviving on two meal replacement shakes a day, one for lunch and one dinner.”

“I worked out to the point of constant nausea, headaches and blackouts. My stomach lining, hormones and other parts of my health were very, very messed up by then. All of these also drastically affected my state of mind and emotions.”

Her insecurities were so deep because of how she was made to feel that how she looked was a sign of ugliness, laziness and failure, whether through the eyes of her parents, complete strangers or romantic partners. 

Every traumatic event chipped away at her sense of self, her self-worth and it brought on intense self-loathing which affected how she viewed her body. It came to a point where she refused to look anyone in the eye.

“I would walk with my head down to avoid eye contact. Self-harming was also one way I coped when it got so painful to the point of numbness, emotionally and psychologically.”

Living abroad was what opened her mind, as she saw that diverse bodies were not being as ostracised. Going into therapy was another step. But the most important turning point was on her 30th birthday when she said it was time to start living a life without all that hate and anger constantly directed at herself.

“I was done people pleasing. I was done feeling ashamed.”

*This is a collaboration between Rock The Naked Truth and Our Bralette Club.