They say “Good boys go to Heaven, Bad boys bring Heaven to you” in the song Heaven by Julia Michaels. Maybe this is why women have a tendency to gravitate towards bad boys, despite all the damage they can render.
Road to Hell
I was in an abusive relationship for eight years. During this period, the person I was ceased to exist and my real self hid behind this new “Me”. Everything I did was controlled and directed by him. I was in a foreign land, could not speak the native language and had no support network. I cut my hair short and wore baggy T-shirts and berms all the time just to “look more decent and appropriate”. I became quiet and measured in everything I said, constantly carrying the fear of saying the wrong thing that will incite the explosions of anger and violence, flying ash trays, punches, kicks – and on one occasion – a brandished knife.
I was criticised for “not working the right way” to roll more profits into our business. I was lectured on the “evils of capitalism” in Singapore and how we Singaporeans are being brainwashed and spoon-fed (aka useless at doing business) and how lucky I was to be out of the system. He promised he will make it BIG and give me and my ageing family a better life – all I needed to do was trust him (and channel my savings to him for financial planning).
Why didn’t I leave?
I was young and in love. He can be charming at his best. I believed him when he assured me he would change after each incident. He begged me not to leave and to give him a chance. I told myself that no one was perfect and that I had to compromise to make a relationship work. Thus, I was convinced that I had personality flaws that were causing the problem, and things will get better once I minimise them.
It did not help that I was totally reliant on him for daily survival. I could not drive and there was no transport network like our train and bus networks here. I could not speak the native language well and had no local friends to confide in. I cut off all contact with family and friends with the excuses of a busy routine and poor internet network (true). Friends closest to me felt that something was amiss, but everything was well covered.
I was scared of walking out – the violence escalated the moment I tried to leave. I was also ashamed to admit that I was a victim – surrounded by friends that were strong independent women, how could I have allowed myself to have reached such a state?
So many other reasons.
Road to Redemption
My chance to break free finally came along – which occurred during one of the saddest chapters of my life. My dad – whom I love and adore to bits – had suffered a relapse of cancer. It was Stage 4 and palliative care was the only option. Moving back home was the right step forward – it gave me the courage to cut off all contact with him. It was a cowardly thing to do, but I “disappeared” totally and refused to pick up his calls or answer his messages.
It was tough during this time. I was in mild depression and exhausted all the time, wanting to sleep anytime anywhere. I would be having dinner with friends and falling asleep at the meal table – often times in the middle of conversations. I took up salsa dancing, Argentine tango, running, rock climbing, kayaking (with certifications)… anything that could occupy my time and distract me from my constant worrying.
Road to Recovery
My road to recovery was marked with many miracles and I couldn’t have done it without the love of God, family and friends. Through this network of support, I gained strength to endure the situation and carry on, with the faith and hope that it will get better.
I went back to diving to gain courage of conquering the depths of the oceans, after an absence of over 10 years. Spending time in nature helped soothe my endless anxiety and heal my wounds.
I first started running to lose weight even though it was an activity I hated and really didn’t enjoy. It was torturous dragging all that heavy load around and being overtaken by aunties twice my age during half-marathon races. I became half-hearted at doing something I was really bad at. But I kept at it as it helped me de-stress and the longer I ran, the better I felt.
Managing how I felt about running also gave me the strength to manage life with its hills and valleys. Somehow life (or the run) will start to feel better after you have endured the tough moments. And if I could enjoy something I hated to do, I figured I could better control how I felt about unpleasant things in life!
Similar to going through tough moments in life alone, running alone proved to be a real challenge. I would lose motivation along the way and only start training for races two weeks before. After completing over 20 half-marathons with little passion, enjoyment and much lacklustre, I decided to try my first marathon and hopefully inject some fun into running.
Despite being very shy about my running abilities, I decided to join ROCKrunners and become more committed to training. Joining RR has transformed my running journey – I met like-minded friends who are into running, working out and eating, and they encouraged me to keep on running; inspiring me to enjoy each run (and post-run food session); and selflessly sharing their knowledge, tips, and experience on running and on life as well. I became motivated to go for every training session, no matter how tired I was from a long hard day at work.
It took me close to four years to completely recover and emerge from the shadows. I recovered my outspoken personality to some degree, as I gained back the boldness to speak my mind safely, with no fear of repercussions. Most importantly, I am learning to love myself more and more everyday. I hope the sharing of My Naked Truth will be useful to anyone who is going through similar situations.
