In a blink of an eye, the battle against my eating disorder has spanned 13 long years. It has been a tough journey indeed. It was only a mere three years ago that I thought I was “cured” of this ailment. Relieved and satisfied that I was in recovery mode, I shortly realised that I was a far cry from truly loving myself.
It all started when I was 17 years old and in polytechnic where teenagers at that age craved acceptance in a myriad of different ways. For girls, one of it was clearly beauty. I found myself baffled as to how some of these girls could avoid gaining weight despite their horrendous eating habits. To add on to this, I would very often hear the disturbing sounds of girls throwing up in the ladies’ rest rooms. When I finally put two-and-two together, it was evident that there was a bulimia epidemic which plagued only the girls in my school.
At first I thought it was ridiculous, until it plagued me not long after. All it took was one incident of a bloated stomach from overeating and me having to force puke to alleviate the guilt, to start me on that path of self-destruction. What was meant to be a one-off temporary relief, soon became a norm for me. I thought to myself, “who would ever know?”, and that made it not so crazy anymore.
To make things worse, I entered a toxic relationship a few years after. I was constantly reminded how unattractive and fat I was and constantly compared me to other girls whom he thought was “hot”. Naturally, my confidence was torn apart and shattered over the course of our relationship. Instead of ripping out the band-aid by leaving him, I decided to cling on and try to meet his superficial expectations and this spiralled my bulimia into an even worser state than it had already been.
He eventually cheated on me which left me in a more depressed state. It was no surprise that all these bouts of emotional and physical damage eventually landed me in the hospital. It was only then when I decided to end the relationship and on hindsight, if I had not made that decision to exit, the consequences might have been fatal.
Since the years I refer to as the dark ages for me, I’ve tried so hard to work on my recovery but it has been a struggle. The bouts of bulimia had been reduced over the years but never fully purged because every time I looked in the mirror, I managed to find something that I hated about myself. I was disgusted at both how my body looked as well as my bad habits. The fact that I had gotten so skinny after being discharged from hospital did not not change anything. I should have been happy with the number that I saw on the scale but instead, found myself more dissatisfied.
As the years went by and dust settled, I finally managed to bury the bulimia bug in 2016. I gained some healthy weight, looked better and felt happier. I thought I was finally “cured”, but that was very much short lived. I didn’t realise that there were so many other aspects of my mind, body and soul that I needed to work on too. I eventually spiralled down that rabbit hole of my eating disorder again when my work and life balance was thrown off-course due to my new job.
I became increasingly stressed at work as I was surrounded by toxic people. The lack of mentorship and constant politics caused me to lose focus and confidence in my work and abilities. I was even made to believe that my greatest setback in life was the colour of my skin and the language I did NOT speak. With so much passive aggressiveness at work, I ended up believing that I was useless and started binge drinking almost everyday on the premise of relieving stress from work.
It was no surprise that in a span of about two years, I gained 10kg from drinking, over-eating and an overall lack of sleep. My life priorities were all over the place and I lost track of my personal health goals altogether. This time round, bulimia did not aid the number on the scale. It became an addiction that just temporarily alleviated the pain.
Everything changed the day I got together with my fiancé. He was like the light I was searching for, the example I needed to learn from. He didn’t fix me but instead opened up my heart, my eyes, and my mind for me to build my life from the inside out (and not the other way around). The result was a life filled with positivity, happiness and love. He showed me how important it is to love myself first and he gave me the courage to let go of everything toxic that was holding me back in life.
With the support and blessings of my parents and fiancé, I decided I had enough. Enough of the crying, the excuses, being a slob, being around toxic people which simply got me nowhere in life. I was done. I took a short break, focused on caring for myself, got my fitness and health in order, joined my dad’s business, and surrounded myself with amazing, positive people.
Today, I’m proud to say that I’m on the fast track road to recovery. I’ve learned to accept and love my body. I’m surrounded by great people at work who believe in me and my contributions. I have an amazing bunch of friends with the F45 community who are vibrant, caring, and motivating. I have also made a conscious effort to eradicate all toxic people from my life and keep those who are kind and loving. Most of all, I am blessed to have a wonderful fiancé, best friends and parents who love and care for me so much. They are truly my rock and it is only with years of maturity and age that I realised I should have listened to my parents more when I was younger – Parents Do Know Best!
Today, I am truly happy. The happiest and most confident I’ve ever been with my life and myself. Today, I am the fittest I’ve ever been in my life and it feels great because I no longer care about the number on the weighing scale, but the number on my happiness scale. The best part about all this is, the journey to attain maximum confidence and happiness that I’ve embarked on has only just begun.
With this new bout of energy and focus, I CHOOSE the people to surround myself with. With the choices I consciously make daily, I know now that this is what I wish I had known or been taught when I was 17. Such education would have saved me 13 years of pain! Every day is progress for me and I’m thankful not just for the big things but also the little things in everyday life that builds me day by day.
There is no turning back the clock and regretting all those years. I choose to see the dark ages of my life as years that pruned me to be the person I am today. Those formulative years empowered me to impart my experiences and knowledge to others who might be going through a similar journey.
My wish is for all the young women out there to be educated on body confidence, mental health, fitness and self-love not in the way society deems it, but in the way that you’re your own happiness scale in a positive manner. I want them to know that they never have to suffer in silence. There is no shame in having flaws or being imperfect. Most importantly, there is no need to conform to anybody’s standards.
I chose to join this campaign because during my own road to recovery, I realised that I don’t want to suffer in silence anymore after hearing more of such stories from others too. I realised that I’m not the only one suffering, but so many others out there are too, both girls and guys!
13 years is not a short time, and knowing what I know now, reaching the state I’m in today, I would never wish what I went through on even my worst enemy. It really isn’t fun, nor is it the way anyone should be living their lives. I hope that with my personal story, it educates, and helps give support and hope to someone else out there who might need it.
It is never too late to stop, make a change, and live a life filled with happiness and confidence because the power is in your own hands. Sometimes all we need is a loving hand or a simple reminder to guide us through the dark periods.
