Month: November 2019

As long as I can remember, I have experienced a constant struggle with my body. I grew up my entire life in places surrounded by people of a natural body type which didn’t look like mine, with the world telling me that my body was the problem.

The older I got, the less and less I felt like things may work out and I would eventually fit in with the world, so I resorted to crash dieting. Desperately trying to conform, I realised it was starting to work and the effects were showing as I began dropping sizes.

All around me, people finally started giving me the affirmation I had desired for so long. That rush I felt from their compliments was everything to me, so much so that every time I looked at food, I would just hear all those gushing words and push the food away. I lost my own voice, and replaced it with countless voices that didn’t matter.

I became unhealthily obsessed with the attention and validation, and slowly my skin became sallow and my hair began falling out. My rock bottom was a point where I had gone nearly two days without anything in my body.

Weak and ill, I looked at myself in the mirror and for the first time after a long time, really looked. More than the sunken eyes and lifeless skin, what I hated most was how unhappy I looked. There was no glow in my face, no sparkle in my eyes.

I wondered who I was doing this for, if it didn’t bring me any joy. What could anyone else be getting out of it, when I was feeling this sick? It was one of those clarifying moments where I closed my eyes, and finally told the other voices to shut up. I didn’t get better all at once; it was a constant uphill battle. But it was one I knew was worth fighting.

I think the one thought that keeps me going, is that my body is always changing and it’s important to accept that. There are times I’ll be a little bigger and times I’m smaller, but either way, it’s not the end of the world. Others will see whatever it wants to see, but it doesn’t mean anything; it’s all about how I feel inside. It would be a lie to say that it still occasionally isn’t a struggle, but I now know I can always just start with a deep breath, and remind myself, “You are beautiful. You are loved.”

There is so much beauty in all shapes and sizes, and it’s amazing to see everyone come together and embrace the uniqueness. Sometimes we don’t take the time to stop and appreciate ourselves and love ourselves for the way we are. If even one person sees this campaign and feels just a little more confident in their skin, it will be all worth it.

I started binge eating during my 20s – I was under tremendous stress as I just started teaching and I resorted to seeking comfort in food. I just kept eating a lot, continuously. I recalled that I used to have six slices of bread with lots of butter for breakfast, another six slices of bread with lots of cheese for lunch and a 1-litre tub of ice cream for dinner. There were days when I didn’t feel satisfied, I would continue to eat another round of main dish despite having a plate full of rice and meat for dinner. There were also days when I would finish one tin of butter cookies at one go.

The strange thing is, while I was binging, I felt really ‘good’ and it was as if my stress was being ‘eaten up’. With a sudden increase in appetite, I started to put on quite a bit of weight and at the same time, I was breaking out with lots of pimples on my forehead. I felt fat and ugly and I hated myself. I cut my fringe in order to hide those hideous pimples and I would be wearing black all the time. I just didn’t feel good about myself.

After every episode of binge eating, I would break down and cry and question why I ate that much. I would feel so disgusted with myself. Sometimes I would be so angry with myself that I would take a measuring tape and tie it around my waist as tight as I could; sometimes leaving it overnight hoping that I would become slim overnight.

Whenever I felt fat on certain days, I would starve myself the whole day and then binge uncontrollably during dinner. During this period, I didn’t want to take pictures as I disliked seeing myself in pictures. I also didn’t want to go out with friends because I just wanted to stay at home and binge.

This binge eating disorder was worsened with my low self-esteem, something I’ve been battling with since young. It’s harder for me because I’m a very sensitive person and I would take remarks from others very seriously. I would get extremely upset when someone comments that I’ve put on weight or I was fat.

Back then, I felt ashamed to share with my peers what I was going through as I was afraid of being judged and it was also hard to seek support from a community. Social media platforms were quite limited too, so it was a lonely journey for me.

Then I just got so sick of the stress-binge-cry cycle, so I decided to pick up some self-help books. After reading one particular book, I learnt that a diet logbook might help with my disorder. Hence after every meal, I would record down what I had eaten. This brought greater awareness for myself. It was then that I started to set a goal for myself.

From 7 days of binging, I started with small goals and aimed for six days of binging. It was a yo-yo period for me and there were days when I would swing back with a vengeance. Besides the logbook, I learnt to divert my attention by going for a jog whenever I had the urge to binge. Jogging was therapeutic for me and it helped to clear my mind. However, there were days when I would jog excessively as I was extremely angry with myself and guilty about overeating.

Things only got slightly better when I learnt to control my food intake. I didn’t starve myself; I still ate the usual but I controlled the intake and ate in moderation. Balance is the key word. During that period, I also read quite a number of self-help books about positive thinking, listened to calming music, started hanging out with positive peers and stopped weighing myself.

Thankfully, I made these changes and it helped me to pull through. After a long and arduous period, I managed to binge less. It wasn’t a smooth-sailing process and I had to persevere and learn to be patient. Through it all, I have learnt how to better manage my stress and not fall into the stress-binge-cry cycle.

Good health is my biggest focus now. I may have slimmed down but I am dealing with some health issues at the moment. I have come to realise that body image doesn’t matter that much in comparison to good health. Probably those binge eating episodes may have taken a toll on my health.

As for now, I am learning to live a healthy and balanced lifestyle – eat well, sleep well. I have also started to meditate and listen to podcasts on health and wellness. Instead of focusing more on the physical aspect, I have learnt to focus on the spiritual aspect as well. I believe in healthy mind, healthy body; think good, feel good.

I was one of those who went through this phase on my own and it was really tough. I guess things would have been slightly better if I had some support back then.

Thus, I hope this campaign can reach out to those who are currently going through what I had gone through previously. I want to let them know that they are not alone and they can overcome this hurdle.