Month: October 2018

I’d like to think that by sharing my story it can help just one woman (hopefully more), and let them know they are not alone; that they can get through whatever it is they are going through. And that when they are ready, on the road, on the bike, in the water – it’ll always be there for them to start anew. Just because you stopped, doesn’t mean you can’t start again. Remember that. Always. 

I used to be a competitive swimmer when I was younger, so I suppose endurance events have always appealed to me. Once swimming ended, I was looking for something to fill the gaps of those long training sessions. And that’s when I fell in love with running. I swam because I had to, I was part of a team. But I ran because I loved it. It was my passion.

Over the years, I met and married my husband, moved abroad and then it was time to start a family. Only, it wasn’t as easy as I thought it was supposed to be. We suffered 2 back-to-back miscarriages and my confidence and spirit was shattered. In 2013, we were able to have a healthy pregnancy and welcomed our baby girl later that year. She is our miracle “rainbow baby.” But after my daughter, we then suffered two more consecutive miscarriages. I am now in a terrible club of 1% of women that suffer from recurrent miscarriages. 

Running has always been a way for me to challenge my body to do things I never thought it could do before, like running a marathon in the gruelling heat, humidity and hills of South East Asia! But, it’s also been a coping mechanism for me to handle all this grief and stress.

When you’re running, nothing else matters. And then I got injured. Badly. Stress fractured feet, torn ligaments, strained hip flexors – the injuries were numerous and severe enough to keep me off running for nearly a year. I lost a bit of me when I couldn’t run. Sure I could swim, lift upper body, do some yoga – but I didn’t want to do those things. I wanted to run and I couldn’t. 

And then tragedy struck again. My husband and I got pregnant, and this time, surprisingly, everything was going quite well. Everyone involved started to relax a bit. Because that’s the thing with miscarriages. It doesn’t just take away your baby, it takes away any joy and excitement you are supposed to feel in pregnancy and instead leaves you with massive anxiety and worry over every little thing.

At what was supposed to be our 12-week, “congratulations you’re out of the first trimester” appointment, our OB said, “I’m sorry, there’s no heart beat.” It was by far the most tragic of our miscarriages because we believed that this one would be different. I had to have surgery a few days later. My body, my heart and my spirit were broken. Shattered in a million pieces. 

I couldn’t see through the dark clouds of despair this time to pull myself up, and I spiralled. I withdrew from everything I once loved and I became a shell of my former self. I had my daughter and my husband I had to be present for, and I was there for them, but I was not there for myself. I was my last priority, and it showed. I gained a lot of weight and became unhealthy and unhappy.

But, once I got the “all-clear” from my doctors to start working out again, my legs, my feet and my body were healed – it was time to start healing my heart and spirit. With the support of my amazing husband, I started running again. Walking at first. Then running. Slowly. One kilometre, then a mile, then two, then walk/running longer distances. I thought it was time to start fresh, to do something I had never done before. TRIATHLONS!!!!

I could swim, I could run (slowly), I just needed to learn how to ride! So, I got a road bike, taught myself how to ride, how to change gears and how to ride clipped-in. Over the next 16 weeks, I went from literally rock bottom zero to 70.3, and completed my first half Ironman in Bintan, Indonesia. It wasn’t pretty, it was pretty ugly actually as I finished the course barely within the cut-off time at just over 8 hours. I had a lot of work to do, but I was back!!!! I was starting to feel like myself again. I was happy. 

Then, came my next 70.3 in Phuket. I trained so hard for this race. It was a tougher course than Bintan, so I trained harder. But, the night before the race, I got food-poisoning. In the middle of the vomiting and a million trips to the loo, I thought to myself, I could give up right now and go home. Or I can try and I can give it my best effort. I can let my circumstances define me, or I can try to carry on in spite of them.

So that’s what I did. I tried. Until I couldn’t go anymore on my poor dehydrated body and got pulled off the course around 70km of the bike for missing one of the intermediary timing cutoffs. It was a devastating blow, because I had never DNF’d a race before. I am including this in my story, because I think it’s important to understand that we will ALL suffer setbacks, we will all suffer tragedies. But it is up to us, only us, no matter how hard it is, to pull yourself back up, and try, try again! You can never attain something great if you’re too afraid to fail. And failure is a part of the process. 

Through the gains, through the setbacks, through the wins, the losses, the injuries, the races, I’m still training. I’ve gotten stronger, much stronger through all of this. Not just physically but mentally and emotionally as well. I am now training for my first full Ironman in November!! Ironman Malaysia.

My triathlon journey has been crazy, insane, actually.  There are some days I even question why I ever thought I could finish a 140.6 mile race. But then there are some days when I don’t think; I KNOW, I KNOW I can finish that race. Some people ask why i spend so much time training, taking time away from my family. Am I being selfish? No WAY. I am taking care of myself, so I can be a better wife, a better mother, a better friend. I am brave, relentless and determined – not selfish. Also I don’t think I would have been able to be on this journey without the support of my family, friends and awesome running/tri community. It’s really helpful to have a strong network of people around you to help!! 

I shared my story not for people to feel sorry for me and what we’ve been through, but to help inspire others. No matter where you are, what your circumstances, you can always start over, start again. It’s incredibly difficult to pick up the pieces, I know. But it’s the best thing you can ever do to move forward. However slowly, however little bit at first… just keep moving forward. You got this!

As long as I can remember, I have suffered anxiety issues and binge eating. I think my first episode of binge eating was at around 6 years old.

I’m not sure exactly what triggered this at such a young age, but there were a few struggles I faced – my parents had an abusive relationship, my mum suffered mental health issues and at times I ended up being the sole carer for my brother, but overall I would consider that I had a fairly happy childhood. I mean, as a child this is all you know, so it doesn’t affect you too much. However, as I got older I really struggled- turning to self harm as a method of escape when it all got too much.

Throughout all of this, as a regular swimmer and being generally active, I remained slim. In fact I had the opposite problem and was regularly teased for my ‘chicken legs’ – something I am still self conscious of until this day (see middle photo above).

By the time I reached university I was regularly binging followed by days and weeks of punishing myself through extreme dieting- I tried everything.

I would have episodes (usually on nights when I was alone) where I would pre-plan a binge, spending all day thinking about what I was going to eat, which shops I would go to, etc. After eating all of this, I still couldn’t stop and I’ll end up finishing any food in the cupboard.

At times I would bin all my food (whilst making sure it was truly inedible) in an attempt to stop me eating it. I was diagnosed with hypothyroidism (see first picture in next photo) around the same time- I still don’t know if this was a consequence of my behaviour.

At this point, for the first time, I really struggled with my weight. It was at this point that my eating got really bad. I became afraid to eat anything and if I felt I had eaten something ‘bad’ I would immediately follow it with packets of laxatives (early on I realised I found it hard to induce vomit….).

This was also about the time I first started exercising; but unfortunately it was mainly to ensure I was negative for my daily calorie intake. I would run and run, whilst only taking 3 cups of soup a day.

This exercise-to-be-in-calorie-deficit continued for about a year until a close friend died of cancer. Around the same time I also passed out with palpitations after taking a huge number of laxatives. This should have been a turning point for me, but I only got worse.

My anxiety spiralled out of control and I would spend hours and hours in the gym taking out my anger on myself- pushing myself to the point of exhaustion, sometimes even overdosing on my medication to help keep my weight down.

This pattern continued for years and by this time I had completely forgotten how to eat normally. In terms of relationships, I pushed people away as soon as anything got serious.

Then in 2012 I met Paul. It took a year of seeing how my behaviour upset him to finally make me realise where I was heading. I realised it was not just myself now I was hurting. Despite my several consistent attempts to push him away, he stuck with me.

I began to make small changes to my diet and exercise regime; ensuring that I always had something to eat at every meal was a major stepping stone. I started to focus on using exercise and food to feel better and fuel my body. Gradually I started to exercise and eat to feel the best way I could, rather than use them as weapons against myself.

I completed my first half-marathon back in 2010. The feeling of accomplishment at the finish line was so fulfilling that my mindset towards running slowly shifted. I saw what I had achieved, both physically and mentally, from my training, and so I stopped using running as punishment. From there I did a few more half-marathons and a 16-mile trail run before I moved to Singapore in 2015.

I have always cycled too, and I really enjoy the freedom and head space it gives me. If I’m honest, I’m much more of a cyclist than a runner, which is why I find running groups so great.

After coming to Singapore I completely stopped running as I found the heat and working hours difficult. However, ROCKrunners has been a great motivation to get me out and run after a long shift. Everyone is super supportive and open with their own struggles. It feels like a big family and seeing other runners whilst training, at races or even giving words of encouragement on Instagram really gives you a boost in your own journey.

I still have bad patches with my anxiety and panic attacks, but they are much less frequent. I haven’t binged or had the ‘urge’ to binge in well over 4 years now. Keeping a healthy body really helps when my mind is not doing well, but it is also important to surround yourself with people who will support and be there for you regardless.

A lot of people laugh at me for exercising most days, but exercise helps my mood. I never track calories now, I don’t care how much I burn on the machine, I don’t care how much I weigh and I’m also careful to take rest days or time off if I feel like my body needs it. I’m also much less bothered of people’s opinions these days- they can think what they want; I know I’m much stronger physically and mentally for keeping active!

I am now training for my first duathlon in Singapore!