First I want to say “THANK YOU” to Cheryl for initiating the ROCKrunners! I wouldn’t have ran consistently for the whole of 2017 if not for the ROCKfam!!!
As much as I would love to contribute more to show my support, I am tied up with other commitments so I choose to contribute in other smaller ways, like helping to promote ROCKrunners on my Facebook Live and Instagram posts when I attend, as well as invite friends to join the group and most importantly get them to show up. Hahahaha…
I took some time to share my story here, because I was still in the process of struggling to see the value in my own life story… which explained why I procrastinated to write my book (Women of Courage, Breaking the Fear Barrier) too. It was ‘Mission Impossible’ to me and it took me a lot of courage to finally work on it. I want to thank Cheryl for her willingness to share her story in my book to encourage other women who face similar struggles, and also helped me take such nice photos for my media kit! 🙂
The reason I am attracted to and resonated with this Rock The Naked Truth initiative is precisely because I faced the same struggles too! I was born chubby so all my relatives and my parents used to call me “dua bui” (big fatty in Hokkien), hence I developed low self esteem and kept having this very fat image of myself from a young age.
I never talked about this before, but I was also molested at about 4-5yrs old. I only had the courage to share this recently with my hubby and also on Facebook Live. It is likely due to this traumatic experience that I grew up not knowing how to reach out for help or support.
I don’t voice out when I need help. I will suppress and keep everything inside.I grew up thinking that I was “putting on a strong front”, fighting the internal battles myself which nobody knew about. I was such a quiet child that my grandpa used to ask if I was mute!
I used to play basketball competitively in primary and secondary school, so the intensive training and competitive nature of the game provided a means for me to release all the suppressed emotions and energy within me. I was allowed to be “aggressive” during the game (whilst obeying the rules of course).
But I hated running because I don’t have the stamina and all the sprinting across the court would leave me very drained and breathless, even just after the first half. Because I am short and petite, my coach would train me for speed and flexibility. I was always the one to sprint off whenever my teammate got the ball because if I am slow, I risked getting surrounded and then becoming useless to my teammates. This made me hate running even more because all the speeding and jamming to brake caused my toe nails to often turn blue and black before dropping off. It didn’t help that my second toe is longer so it “stuck out”.
At 18, I tried to commit suicide. I suffered two failed relationships due to betrayal and I just wanted to end my life. I popped 70 Panadol pills (also because I was having very bad menstrual cramps) and I was rushed to A&E as I was foaming at the mouth. A close friend of mine found a knife under my pillow after.
I was young and innocent, and I couldn’t accept why these things hapepned to me. I kept bottling everything up inside of me and I imploded. Fortunately nothing bad happened to me – I recalled having tubes inserted into my nose and bright lights flashing everywhere. Next thing I knew, I woke up and was in the hospital recuperating. Phew.
After secondary school, I totally stopped running or doing any sports. The only form of exercise I did during my polytechnic years was dancing when I hung out with my friends! Hahahaha…
Then I got married at a very young age – 21 years old – and I became a mom at the age of 27. I felt that I wasn’t ready to embrace motherhood, plus I was at the prime of my career!
I went through my first pregnancy alone without my hubby around because he was on a year-long contract training overseas. Going through the pregnancy without him caused me to unconsciously develop resentment towards him and I also plunged into post-natal depression right after I gave birth to my firstborn. I didn’t address the condition so it spiralled out of control and I was at risk of hurting my baby. I remember incidents when I felt like throwing my baby against the wall or out of the window!!! Thankfully I didn’t, but it still sends shivers down my spine as I recall it now. *shudders*
It didn’t help my condition when I learnt that my baby had Eczema since a month old. It pained me to see his tiny body was infested with rashes from scalp to toes. I also had a problem with breastfeeding. It was a struggle to get him to latch on. The guilt of not being able to breastfeed him directly added on to my depression.
I would hide under the blanket and keep the curtains closed most of the time; always feeling sad and wanting to stay in the dark. Then I got pregnant again and this time I had suicidal thoughts after my second childbirth.
But a friend helped me. She initially had no clue what was happening to me and was just chatting with me and sharing what she learnt in church over the phone, before slowly healing and restoring my condition. Reading up on self-development books and the bible helped me in the recovery process too.
A few mothers in the neighbourhood then reached out to me and provided support which I never knew how to seek. The positive support and encouragement from these mothers contributed to my recovery from depression.
This is the reason I am such a strong advocate about having a support group and I subsequently started the Connecting Mothers support group, to provide encouragement to mothers with young children in their journey of motherhood and spiritual growth.
I still wasn’t exercising… until this bad backache bothered me for years. I ignored the nagging pain, but when the pain got so bad that I couldn’t even dress myself or lie down to sleep, I knew I had no choice but to go and see the orthopaedic.
I did an MRI scan and the doctor told me I had a disc bulge between my lumbars 4 and 5. I relied on painkillers and went through many months of physiotherapy treatment. This was a wakeup call and that’s when I decided to put my health back in order!
I went on a weight management programme with coaching and then I started to run on my own at the beach. I still hated running but for the sake of my health, I persevered. I told myself I must train my mindset to enjoy running.
I managed to lose weight and this achievement encouraged me to maintain my fitness and health, so when I saw an Instagram post by Dawn about joining the ROCKrunners for a run, I texted her to say I would like to join too.
My first time running with ROCKrunners was at MacRitchie reservoir and I love the encouraging spirit of support in the group. No pressure yet motivating! I slowly gained strength running with them weekly and was even inspired to sign up for the Sundown Half-Marathon, which I never thought I would do.
The support from the ROCKfam provided the motivation for me to believe that I can do it and I did my first half-marathon at the age of 44!! To me, this is a huge milestone!
I then ended 2017 with another half-marathon, at the Stanchart Singapore Marathon, together with my ROCKfam. The cheering and screaming at the last 200m before the finish line was really an extra boost to not give up running to the end. My calves and knees were hurting so bad I was really tempted to just walk!
It was also a highlight to end the year with the ROCKrunners gathering which included the December ROCKbabies celebration. This little gesture of monthly birthday celebrations is so heartwarming; it is a love language where I can truly experience the genuine love overflowing from the group.
Thank you Cheryl for taking the courage to start RTNT and ROCKrunners and thank you to each and everyone of the ROCKfam for being part of my fulfilling and meaningful journey!
