Everyone has a chapter they don’t read out loud.
While writing this story for Rock The Naked Truth (RTNT), I still fear the judgment of my friends and relatives reading this post. However, I recognise that I am still a work-in-progress. I have done things wrong, but I am trying to make it right now. I do not think I am weak for struggling; instead, I believe trying takes strength and I am getting stronger. One day, I will beat this struggle with God’s help, love from my husband, family, mentor and the RTNT family.
Months ago, I sent in my story to RTNT anonymously. I was ashamed that I was struggling with body image issues and did not want anyone to know. Then… RTNT gave me the courage to open myself up to my family, mentor and close friends.
To be brutally honest, as I write this, I’m considering withdrawing this post to RTNT. It’s like exposing my inner most fear to the world and I fear how people will look at me. But I’m shaking that thought out of my head because a few pushing factors led me to open up and share this struggle – reading Proverbs 28:13 (“He who conceals his transgressions will not prosper, but he who confesses and forsakes them will find compassion”) and being inspired by Kerrin who opened up herself in a previous RTNT post.
And now my story:
I was always a fun-sized kid, both short and slim. I was active and more athletic than most girls. However, my body shape changed when I took interest in badminton in secondary school. I became bigger and more muscular, but my height remained at 1.52m.
I was skilful, fast and strong – fully loving my muscular built because I was excelling at my sport. Boys made fun of how I was more muscular and faster than them, but these comments made me prouder of myself. I enjoyed being stronger and faster than boys who were supposed to be stronger than females.
Then I encountered a serious injury and was unable to continue my sporting passion. My body size did not go back to petite – I remained stout (definitely due to me eating junk food all day). It did not really bother me until I was in university. I was actually confident I would not fall prey to body image issues since my body has been made fun of almost all my life, especially during the most vulnerable state – adolescent.
It was late in my university years when a male classmate suddenly commented how thick my thighs were. His comment lingered in my ear. It was unlike other comments about my body I’ve heard in all of my life and he seemed pretty serious about it. It hurt.
The most destructive thing I’ve ever done in my life was to listen to someone else’s opinion of me, because it marked the start of my downfall.
A calorie counting application was introduced to me about a year later and I realised I had been overeating, hence being overweight. At first I started reducing my calories to lower my BMI into the acceptable range. I got obsessed with calorie counting and started being really strict with my food intake and exercising every single day (I was already active consistently, loving to exercise because it makes me happy). I excused myself from social events so I would not overeat or explain why I did not want to eat. People asked if I was alright, and I brushed them off saying that I was okay. I was determined to reduce my weight and size. And I did, my weight was finally in the acceptable BMI range.
However, the lure of comparison came into play. I struggled to come to terms that I had to put in so much effort to look like everyone else – slim, in my opinion. I felt it was so unfair that other girls could live their lives normally and look great while I had to sacrifice so much just to be of normal size.
What shocked me most was when my menstruation stopped for quite awhile. I became worried and increased my food intake. I stopped counting calories, but I was obsessed and I worried over everything I ate… thinking how much oil was used, how many calories are in there…all these thoughts clogged my mind. My weight increased but my menstruation had yet to return.
Then I took part in my first 10km run and I was ecstatic that I could do it! That gave me the confidence that I could perform well even if I was bigger.
I was convinced that I can live a healthy lifestyle, by eating well and exercising regularly, regardless of what size I am. However, many people started dissing my healthy lifestyle. (I guess both fat-shaming and fit-shaming is bad). I got annoyed and became even more conscious about my body. I suddenly felt that it was wrong to be healthy and fit. They forced me to eat junk, forced me to eat even when I was full. Then it became another issue, binge-eating.
It used be just once a week, then it became three. I knew I needed help, but I did not know what to do. I ate even though I was very full and my stomach hurt, but my hands were forcing food down my own throat. I could not control myself. I would feel lousy after that, but I continued to do so. Whenever I binged, I felt so lousy that I would not even want to exercise, which is something I truly love.
I cannot quite remember how I found RTNT, but it is probably when I was searching on the internet about how I want to fight this issue. I found people who struggled and I decided to join a one-off event. After five months, I decided to join ROCKrunners since I enjoyed running. It was a perfect group for me! From then on, I had a loving community of like-minded friends. It was a group that I knew will not pick on size and will not scrutinise what I eat. It was what I needed, a group where I could be me.
But my issue did not just disappear. In fact it got worse two months ago. I binged daily for two whole months and stopped exercising. And that was when I finally made myself vulnerable by telling my family, mentor and close friends. I am still not confident of my body, I am unhappy with my thunder thighs and flabby arms. I am still trying to love myself and understand that all bodies are not made equal. I have to understand that being confident in my skin is to embrace the body I have, to love it such that I do not want to destroy it (be it in under or overeating).
Right now, I am focusing on being healthy. My menstruation has yet to return and it’s even more worrying as I am planning to have children. I made a mistake and destroyed my body, and now am just hoping and praying to get back a healthy working body.
My Faith has kept me going, and so have the love from my loved ones, mentor, friends and the RTNT family. I am blessed to be loved.
ROCKstar of the Month is a monthly award given to an inspiring individual who advocates a positive mindset and living an active lifestyle (see full requirements below).
Requirements to be a ROCKstar of the Month awardee:
- SUPPORT – Believes strongly in the movement and advocates the right mindset
- INFLUENCE – Displays ability to be a positive influence to those around him/her
- ENTHUSIASM – Regularly attends Rock The Naked Truth events
- LEADS BY EXAMPLE – Demonstrates desire to improve lifestyle aligned with the movement
- CONTRIBUTION – Does his/her part to give back to the movement
