It was her first day of school at Primary 1 and Sha Halim got pushed into the pond by a schoolmate. “Sha’s so fat – she killed all the tadpoles!” she vividly recalled the incident, as other kids crowded around her and laughed at her. That scarred her childhood and she was often bullied or made fun of.
“Once, I was on the bus on the way home after school. I was 14, 15. These two Malay ladies were gossiping about me in Malay, as they thought I was Chinese. I just stood there and smiled, pretending I didn’t understand, but they were talking about how fat I was and wondering what my mother fed me,” Sha said.
Standing at 1.8 metres tall and 97kg, the 25-year-old defied the typical Asian stereotype and people gave her grief for it. She played netball competitively for 10 years, playing up to club level, and she had to endure people telling her she’s “too fat for the game”. When she cut her hair short, people told her she should lose weight first before cutting her hair.
On another occasion, someone nicknamed her Ursula, the big baddie from the Little Mermaid movie. “All the teasing made me feel insignificant and constantly conscious. I used to cry myself to sleep A LOT,” she said.
After she completed her secondary school education, Sha went out to work in interior design and the long hours proved detrimental. Sha hit an all-time high of 117kg.
Avoiding wearing anything sleeveless, Sha tried to go to the gym but other slimmer girls would snigger at her, causing her to develop a phobia of going to the gym.
Then a friend approached her to help out at a yoga studio and part of the contract includes weekly yoga classes. “I remember laughing at the boss when she said I was to do yoga. You sure not?! Me?” Sha added. She went ahead to try yoga anyway, but not without feeling insecure at her first class.
“The first thing I noticed when I went for yoga was how tiny everyone else is compared to me. Then, I tend to perspire more because I’m bigger, and it didn’t help that it was a hot yoga class. I remember feeling so conscious!”
That didn’t stop Sha from continuing, as she realised how much she actually likes it. For eight months, she did yoga every day and also watched her diet.
This was where Sha became a little too obsessed.
She was on meal replacements and low-calorie diets, and her weight dropped to 79kg, but she felt very miserable. “It became so bad that I avoided going out because I was feeling sad all the time and I can’t eat with my friends either.” She even resorted to slitting her wrists and was admitted to hospital for 15 stitches.
Slowly Sha started to realise this wasn’t the way to go and she didn’t want to feel unhappy all the time. Why should you force yourself to look a certain way if you aren’t happy?
However, just as she was getting better, she went through a bad breakup two years ago and food became comfort. “I hated myself so much and I just kept eating. I stopped exercising and just holed myself up.” That caused her weight to shoot up and it made her feel worse.
Sha eventually realised that she had to get out of that bad place – and she did.
“Think all you want about me; ultimately, I’m just proud of all the things I can do. I want to defy stereotypes that fat people are lazy and don’t want to do more. I want to reach out to the plus-sized people and tell them to get out there and get moving. Don’t feel bad about yourself – you can still be active and feel good about yourself.”
We chat more with Sha…
What does body image mean to you?
To me, a healthy body image means accepting yourself and your body for what it is and acknowledging that beauty exists inside and out. It is a constant effort, slowly but surely.
How are you coping with your body image?
To be brutally honest, I am still struggling today but with little small efforts, it is getting better. I never took compliments well. When people give me a compliment, I used to just shut them down because I felt undeserving of it and I felt that they are indirectly mocking me. I know, I think too much and I over-analyse situations.
Today, I learn to accept and keep it simple. Say thank you, say thank you to people who actually took the time to verbalise something GOOD about you. I feel when you understand the attitude of gratitude, living is so much easier. I try to count my little blessings for the day before I go to bed at night
What advice do you have for others who are struggling with their body image?
Take small steps. One day at a time. One thing at a time. Think about it – The mind can hold only one thought at a time. Over-thinking makes us miserable. Fortunately, the mind can be trained. We can retrain the mind to slow down and concentrate by doing one thing at a time. Also, always give thanks (and mean it).
What are some of the misconceptions society has about fitness now and how do you hope to correct it?
You know, I got laughed at the first time I went to the gym and I find it amusing. The perfect-looking people with their V-cuts and shit are always sniggering at me in the gym. Well, I’m sorry I missed the memo, I thought you needed the gym more if you are fat. And fat is not a bad word by the way.
Then I realised, surprise! I didn’t like the gym, so I moved on to yoga. It was an accidental love (calls for another story). Try anything once and maybe, you would be so blessed like me to find that one thing you’d resonate with for the rest of your life.
That’s the most important thing – just try. Like how I was initially a little iffy about joining this movement (I have never bared my midriff for ANYTHING in my 25 years of living), but I tried and will try my best to do whatever I can for the greater good.
What do you hope to do in your capacity to help those with body image struggles?
I am more than happy to welcome anyone of any gender, shape, size, age, ethnicity to come for yoga classes in my yoga home, The Yoga Co. (@theyogaco) We have great teachers like Angie (@sassyyogi), Bianca (@biancaperechemd), Suffian (@thuri.yoga) and our founder Sandra Riley Tang (@sandrarileytang).
Come as you are and we will love you. Hard. I promise you. I am more than happy to practise mat by mat with you and be there for you for moral support. Because if #fattyshadoesyoga can do it, so can you. Or we could have teh peng together and just you know, talk about stuff. My treat
