My self esteem and regard for how beautiful a person I was inside and out, plummeted when I entered secondary school. For six years (secondary school through JC), I was constantly bullied, and my friendly attempts at making friends would often be regarded as desperate, pathetic or weird. This would very often be because of (a) my being labelled as ugly/unattractive, (b) people misinterpreting my intentions and actions but never clarifying them, (c) peer influence and/or (d) vicious spreading of (often exaggerated/false) rumours that people chose to believe.
Many friends who’d initially found our friendship perfectly well and good, suddenly started making excuses or giving me the cold shoulder to distance themselves and shun me, because somehow it had become social suicide to be acquainted with me. Admittedly, everyone goes through some form/extent of bullying in their adolescent years, which on its own is already horrible enough. Imagine having your entire class, and almost your entire cohort and student population regarding/treating you as an outcast – this is what I’ve been put through, and it is treatment I’d never curse on anyone.
In those years, my experiences conditioned me to become acutely insecure and paranoid because of the treatment I was constantly receiving, and so I would instinctively doubt myself. I kept trying to change myself just so people would like me, and in the process I have done many things that I am not proud of.
Subconsciously, I was becoming someone that I disliked, and I started loving myself less and less. None of this ever stopped the judgment, rumours, or verbal/emotional/physical abuse (though thankfully never violent), that I got from others, instead giving them more reason to ridicule me for my mistakes, or my trying to fit in. Advice like “just ignore them”, although good-willed, is always easier to give and receive than it is to actionise, especially when the recipient is in an environment where he/she constantly being put down.
The majority of my peers found it okay (and for some, funny, even) to humiliate me, or witness my humiliation. There were those who did not directly act out against me or instigate the bullying, but they never discouraged it either, instead joining in/laughing along/watching as it happened. For the few who’ve actually stood up for me, granted me the benefit of the doubt in spite of many rumours and peer influence, and stood unashamedly at my side, I thank you for your unwavering friendship.
In JC, a dark period of my life began when a question from a schoolmate caused me to deeply overthink the concept of sexuality – trying to snap out of the overthinking and paranoia was hard enough, and when coupled with the chokingly negative environment I was in, I sank into an increasingly depressive spiral. To this day, overthinking this topic is still something I am overcoming, and although I do slide into tough periods sometimes, I am confident that I am slowly but surely getting better at understanding and managing my thoughts and emotions.
Fitness and nutrition came into my life in a big way just before I entered university and I gave my lifestyle a drastic overhaul. I started eating clean, working out, and developing my strength and health. Initially, I was doing it for social acknowledgement and this sense of “superiority” I felt over others who led unhealthy lifestyles, and also because I wanted to become most of what I had never been: fit, beautiful, and strong.
However, I became so obsessed that I was overworking my body almost every day of the week (even after I’d sustained a shoulder injury), constantly comparing myself to others, macros obsessed and was depriving myself of a lot of food that I’d loved (though I never starved myself). Inevitably, quality time spent with family and friends went down the drain as well, because eating out became regarded as a sin to me. I was almost always grouchy, annoyed, and hungry, and this affected my relationship with myself and others severely.
Over the course of two years, it’s taken some hard knocks for me to change my obsessive approach in pursuing this lifestyle. In October 2015, my inclination of going overboard with my workouts resulted in my sustaining a nasty hip injury, on top of the previous shoulder injury from 2014 that never properly recovered. These injuries left me truly devastated, because it brought my whole fitness regime to a standstill, and some days the pain got so bad, I thought I’d never be able to work out again.
From this lesson and many others over these two years, my motivation and purpose for pursuing health and fitness has gotten a lot more constructive and positive – I now continue the lifestyle because I love the personal satisfaction it brings me, and am constantly learning to carry it out with better balance and sustainability. Instead of seeing it as a competition with others, I now regard fitness as a journey that each of us actively and supportively pursues together.
I have to say that this lifestyle has helped and saved me in a massive way, because it continuously enables me to identify, address and tackle many of my demons and weaknesses. Recently I have been out of the gym for a few months, and this has been very difficult to cope with. But with the support of my friends, family and some of the best healthcare professionals I’ve met, I am now recovering well from both injuries, and have recently been given the green light to start working out at home, and to swim.
Today, I am thankful that I am becoming more accepting of myself along this journey of change and growth, and this is very much attributed to the love and support I have received from my family, the few loyal friends whom have stuck by me from my primary and secondary school days, and also the amazing friends I’ve made since my university days. You have each encouraged me and taught me how to love myself better, and reminded me of it whenever you can. Thank you all for helping me change my view of people, friends, my life and myself.
