I’ve struggled with low self esteem all my life. Never once have I not heard voices in my head telling me I’m not good enough, how fat I am and how I’m a disgusting unlovable mess. Then anorexia hit me in 2013, before bulimia did.

Throughout these years I also experienced suicidal behaviours, anxiety, depression and inflicted self-harm on myself. Things were so bad I couldn’t function like a normal human being anymore. I refused to move and I would curl in a ball, clawing myself because I blamed myself for being too fat.

I couldn’t leave the house without feeling anxious. I refused to take transport and chose to walk, I canoed for hours, hit the gym every day and suffered extreme pain from overloading laxatives.

I was 1.52 metres and 36kg.

Then the rebound hit me. I struggled with bulimia and would run home from school because I was so desperate to throw up after eating. I couldn’t go a minute without thinking about food. I gained 10kg in a month and I felt like I was such a mess. Eating disorders ruled my life. I attempted suicide, had poor health, almost landed in IMH and nearly dropped out of school during my ‘O’ levels year.

My family brought me to seek help at KK Hospital and things got better with medication and treatment, yet I still don’t go a day without feeling disgusted by my body.

I still occasionally starve, still occasionally binge or purge, but what matters is that I’m healthy now. I’m strong enough to know that a single negative thought can spiral me back into a black hole of misery. I’m strong enough to realise how wrong the voices are and stop it from taking me down again.

Even though I may not believe it or see it yet, I tell myself every day that I’m enough, that I’m loved not for my looks. Love your body while making positive changes to it.

I have now started a fitness journey to gain muscle mass and have a goal of attaining a fit and muscular figure, instead of scrawny bones. You’ll be surprised at how different you’ll look at things and how much brighter your world can be, as well as how strong you really are. As long as you keep putting positivity on yourself, I believe some day you’ll be positive too.