I have been overweight the whole of my life (according to BMI). Since I was young, I was always the biggest and fattest in class and amongst my friends.

Once, there was a year-end performance at my kindergarten and I didn’t get to wear pretty dresses like the others because my school didn’t have my size. My friend’s mum then told me to lose weight. In fact, many people have been telling me my whole life to lose weight, until I became numb to these comments.

In Secondary 1, I wanted to join the canoeing team but one teacher said no because “the boat will sink”. At 13, I was weighing 88kg and that remark hurt me badly. I started to beat myself up for being fat and not being able to join the CCA I wanted.

So I joined the track and field throwing team, which required strength and speed. I started to go to the gym at 13 and do basic workouts. Then things started to get serious at Secondary 4, when I learnt how to deadlift and squat.

I realised how easy I could pull more weight than the other girls and I blamed myself for being too big because the other girls were pulling more than their body weight but I wasn’t.

I pushed and pushed, however I didn’t lose any weight and instead I gained (partly muscle). I would binge on chocolates, chips, sweets and things I craved for. After binging, I would beat myself up but I wouldn’t throw up because I don’t like the feeling of it.

I am now 1.70m tall and 100kg. Yes, all the aunties and uncles would say that I gained weight and tell me to lose weight. I didn’t bother to explain to them that I’m gymming because they would think it’s just an excuse and they won’t understand.

When I look in the mirror, I find myself not worthy because I feel fat and big. The bulging belly, the fatty glutes…

The reason I do not dress up is because I would always look at pretty clothes and dresses at Bugis Street but I know they do not have my size so I wouldn’t want to embarrass myself by asking if they have the size I wanted.

I would get so jealous of how others could wear pretty clothes. For me, plus sized pretty dresses and clothes are hard to find because I do not really know where to get them. I lost confidence because my body is not ‘normal size’.

It hurts but thanks to one guy, things are getting better. He reassures me that my body is okay. Every time I look at the mirror and complain that I’m fat, he’ll block the mirror and say ‘Don’t look at the mirror, just do your reps’, ‘It’s ok to have fats’. I’m really thankful for this guy who speaks over the lies the demon tries to get into my head. Thank you :-)