I’ve always been more masculine than most girls. I naturally have broad shoulders, more muscle on my frame and an androgynous face. When I was younger, I never saw it as a problem. It was simply the way I was – I knew it, accepted it and even enjoyed it. Now, I am 18 and supposedly more ‘grown up’. However, I find myself trying to re-learn something my 5 year-old self already knew full and well.

In my early teens, my masculine nature started to bother me. I put up a tough front, but inside I had low self-esteem and confidence. People would joke about me being boyish, and I did not like how I looked.

Thinking that simply being more feminine would solve my problems, I grew my hair long, dressed more femininely, walked more femininely, stopped lifting weights and only did cardio. In reality, my mind became more unsettled because I did not address my insecurities, but brushed them under the carpet.

Even though comments about me being masculine lessened, my subconscious was just waiting for that moment where people were going to ‘find out’ about me… like I was hiding some deep dark secret from everyone.

One day in June 2015, due to boredom, I trimmed my long hair myself. Honestly, I got a little obsessed with it. Over the course of one week, I kept trimming it until I cut off about 10 inches altogether. The amazing light feeling on my head – which had been missing for a long time – caused me to deeply question why I even kept such long hair.

Many questions came to my mind: Why am I so attached to hair? Did growing my hair long really rid me of my insecurities? Why am I insecure about being more masculine than average? Why do I feel like I need to be feminine? What does it even mean to be feminine/masculine? Who decides? Am I defined by how feminine I am?

Scared by how much importance people put to hair and wanting to prove to myself that I could be confident, I found myself at an Indian barber down the street, getting a Number 1 buzz cut. However, shaving my head did not immediately make me more confident or love myself more.

Ironically enough, after shaving my head, my confidence was much lower than before. I did not dare to look anyone in the eye on the way home, did not dare to see my family members, did not dare to go back to school… for fear of how people would react.

In retrospect, shaving my head, like growing my hair long, did not solve much. I guess I was longing for an internal change; a change in my state of mind, but yet I was always using external methods. I guess I initially did it to be rebellious, to make a statement, to tell people that hair does not matter. But again, nothing much changed internally as I was focusing outward rather than inward.

However, shaving my head allowed me to address negative thoughts and feelings that I had avoided years before. I feel embarrassed writing this, but ever since I’ve shaved my head, I often mistakenly get called Sir. Honestly, I still feel upset and worry about it for days. But this time, I allow myself to fully react to these instances, rather than pushing my feelings aside only to let them pile up.

Anyway, I am not saying that everyone who has long hair should shave their heads, or that every woman with long hair is insecure about her femininity. I am also not saying that hair does not matter, or that it does. This is not just about hair, masculinity or femininity. This is all about confidence, self-esteem and empowerment.

Here are some things that I have learnt from my experience:

1. Health and happiness begins by accepting yourself as you are at this very moment. Let go of your need to be perfect.

This point is number one for a reason. If you ignore this, no amount of external change will give you lasting happiness. Solving your body image issues is not about transforming yourself from fat-to-fit, or changing your goals from wanting to be thin to wanting to be muscular.

To solve your body image issues, you must look beyond your body and realise that these issues are rooted in your mind – your confidence, your self-esteem, your expectations of yourself.

2. Realise that you are in control of your self-esteem and confidence.

Take responsibility for feeling the way you do. Bring awareness to your thought processes related to how you perceive yourself and find the source of your negativity.

Try not to blame others for your own insecurities. People can say what they want, whether they say is true is of less importance than being secure within yourself.

3. Address and acknowledge your thoughts and feelings, then lose your attachment to them.

Do not push feelings away. Embrace them when they come. BUT do not let them define you.

4. Realise that you are much more than your body.

Embrace YOU, not just your body. Yes, your body is you, but it is only one part of you. Your mind is also you, your soul is also you, and many other things are also you. You do not have to be defined by one single thing.

This does not mean that your body is unimportant. Everything is important. You just need to figure out where your priorities among these things are.

5. Realise that you are an individual.

Everyone has their own rhythms and circumstances. Thus, stop comparing yourself to others. Strive to know yourself for yourself, without having to use another person as a benchmark.

6. After accepting yourself as you are, THEN can you go about changing aspects of your physical self, be it your appearance or your abilities.

Ultimately, your desire to improve needs to come from a healthy, non-judgmental place, regardless of what your goals are. Do not replace unrealistic expectations with more unrealistic expectations.

7. In the course of improving yourself, realise that in reality, growth is not often linear.

Long-term growth entails periods of regression. Don’t beat yourself up if you are having slow or negative progress. Find resources and educate yourself about healthy ways to reach your goals.

8. Test and extend your confidence by doing things that are outside your comfort zone.

HOWEVER, remember point number one: confidence and self-esteem are internal, so don’t neglect to change yourself from the inside.

9. Be patient. Realise that self-esteem takes time to build.

If you have gotten used to saying negative things about yourself for a long time, it will not magically reverse itself in a day.

I am not perfect and I still have my moments of doubt. There are times when I look in the mirror and dislike what I see, but there are also an increasing number of times when I feel that I am truly happy to be who I am.

A big thanks to Cheryl for starting this movement, and also for writing the article “Big quads, so what? These CrossFit girls don’t care”. It was part of the reason I started lifting again. Also, thanks to everyone else who shared their stories, you are inspiring.