2014-2015. Probably the most labour-intensive commitment to date considering I don’t do sports, ever. Started from the rock bottom and now I’m here, still sticking to my resolution. I still remember the skeptical looks I received when I said that I will start working out and drop the pounds. Well, thank you for that, I’ve made it. Trust me when I say that I don’t disappoint.

Undressing my thoughts as I checked myself out in the mirror this morning. You wouldn’t have guessed that I grew up struggling with an eating disorder and a skewed body image about myself with all the fitness posts that I have on my Instagram.

I was once chubby, and in contrast, I was also once anorexic thin which people barely even took notice. It took me years to come to terms with accepting my broad body, the petite size I have, along with big bones. I had a close shave with death letting those hideous thoughts conquer my mind and trick itself into thinking that I had to starve myself to be the society’s standard of beautiful.

I’ve never known what it means to feel beautiful while feeding myself unrealistic images of flawless and stick thin models from the magazines and the internet. My obsession with vanity and counting of calories took over my life, sidestepped my health, my mind feels like it’s fleeting on mid-air and my body always feels cold.

It felt like I was sinking deeper every single day and ironically I found a thrill in being able to fit into smaller sizes as I got thinner. I got out of it eventually with much difficulties, but I was complacent so I overate, thinking that my metabolism will remain the same as before and I could afford the extra pounds. The number on the weighing scale never came down. .

Internship came and I was at the peak of my weight, seeing myself expand exponentially. Looking at my reflection in the mirror was a horrifying experience and it was not helping when I continuously binged under stress. I was extremely worn out at the end of each day and the thought of working out was a bane of my existence.

I attempted crash diets because it’s an easy way out and I dropped the pounds as fast as I gained them back. It was a fluctuating pattern of overeating and starving, and I was frustrated. I began working out, running, trying out hot yoga trials, gym ( I don’t even know how to operate a treadmill or use a free weight). I did my research on gym workouts, started eating consciously and planned my running routes.

To say the truth, it took a lot of dedication to press on and form a habit and it eventually became embedded in my routine to get where I am now. I got a navel piercing when I was confident enough to wear a mid-riff top as a mark of achievement. I still find imperfections and my body is a work in progress. I’m not perfect, but I’m working on being the best version that I am, leaner and meaner.

Shout out to those that hate their bodies but are really trying really really hard to find the beauty and comfort in them because that shit is hard, takes a lot of time and is emotionally exhausting. I’m proud of y’all. X.