I was confident that I would never succumb to body image issues, even though I was being poked fun of my size for more than half my life during the most vulnerable stage – when I was an adolescent.

Since young, I was always small sized, short and slim. That changed when I took interest in sports in secondary school and I became muscular and big, but of course, still short. However, I was very happy being muscular and big because I was doing well in my sports. Boys made fun of how I was stronger, faster and bigger than them, and I took them as compliments.

Three years into my sport though, I suffered a serious injury and was unable to participate in competitive sports ever again. That was a big blow to me, but this was not where my body image issues started.

Although I was out of sports and stopped exercising, I remained big. I lost the muscles but my size did not change. I was still confident of my body then. Even when friends made fun of how big and heavy I was, I remained unfazed and happy because I was a foodie. All these changed after university though.

Honestly, I don’t know what triggered the start of the struggle I have with my body. But words from a classmate from my university rang in my ears. He told me I have huge thighs, thunder thighs, and I should do something about them. He wasn’t saying it jokingly but in a matter-of-fact way, unlike all the other friends who always jokingly made fun of my size.

Maybe it was the way he was being really serious about it, that it hurt me unconsciously. The rest of my friends who made fun of my size and weight would tell me after that they didn’t mean it and I look fine! But this particular friend really meant it. I was sad when he told me that, but I brushed it aside and continued my life happily.

When I started work, a colleague brought up that a calorie counting app was useful in helping her friend to recover from anorexia. And that sparked my interest so I downloaded it and Googled what it could do. I realised it could help people lose weight as well. That’s when I started trying to count my calories and this was when it went out of hand.

Because of the app, I realised I was eating way more than what my body required according to the inbuilt calorie counter. Being of my height, I needed to eat really little calories. I started restricting my calories. Then I was interested in exercising to reduce my weight as well, but I took it to the extreme. I started exercising every single day, being really strict with my diet (weighing every single ingredient) and avoiding any social events. I was so determined to reduce my weight. It did and I was pleased.

People around me started asking if I was okay and I said yes. But I was obsessed with counting calories. I continued it for six months and brought down my weight by 10kg. I was still in my acceptable BMI range so I thought I was doing fine. I struggled to come to terms that I had to do so much and eat so little just to be in the acceptable range, but others could live their life normally. I thought it was so unfair!

What woke me up was when I realised that my breast size was reduced drastically and my menstruation has stopped. I was really worried, so I increased my intake of food, but still counted them. My physique slowly became less lean and I decided to stop counting calories. However, I was still obsessed over food.

I was worried about every meal I was going to take (e.g. how much oil was used to cook this meal, how much calories the cake has…). All these thoughts were clogging my head every single day… then I regained 5kg (hence a net loss of 5kg).

Not sure when, but I encountered another issue. I started binge-eating. It happened at least once a week, sometimes even up to three times. I ate even though I knew I was very full; even when my stomach hurt I was still stuffing food into my mouth. I felt so lousy after that, but it continued.

Now, I am still struggling with binge-eating. I am still constantly thinking about how many calories I am eating. I am still not happy with my thunder thighs. I am still worried about my health as I have yet to get back my menstruation after 1.5 years. I still feel it is unfair that I have to watch my eating habits to remain at the current healthy size that I am.

I know I need to love myself for who I am and understand that all bodies are not made equal, This is my current struggle but I am determined to get out of it. I am thankful for this movement, and reading stories of how others are still struggling or have overcome their struggles gives me hope that one day I will be well.