I didn’t know what it was like to love myself for the longest time. Growing up, I watched a lot of shows that promoted the same theme: that if you just believe in yourself, you can be anything that you want to be, do anything that you want to do, and be happy. Reality, on the other hand, told me otherwise.

I had been overweight and unfit since the very first steps that I took in this world. I was the fat kid. I was big for my age. I had to start shopping in the women’s section when I was just eight years old. Never was I ever smaller than a L, an XL, or an XXL (assuming that size was even available to me). Every day I was reminded that it was not okay to be myself because I didn’t fit into society’s standards of beauty. People wouldn’t stand or sit next to me on public transport. Sales assistants gave me the stink eye when I wandered into their shop and browsed through their clothes.

I was once harassed on the train by a middle-aged woman who wanted to sell me “organic” fat burning pills and this was when I was 14 and on my way home from school. I distinctly remembered the words that woman said to me, “Your face is quite pretty, but if you lose weight and become skinny, you’ll be even more beautiful, you can wear pretty clothes, and boys will be attracted to you.” She’d said this rather loudly too, in front of a crowd of commuters who were staring at me, as I was barely holding back tears. The worst part about it, though? Those were the same words that my own family would reiterate back to me on a daily basis.

I made several attempts to drop the pounds, not necessarily because I wanted to, but it was mainly just to get everyone around me to shut up and leave me alone. And that was why every past attempt to lose weight had failed. I was looking for a quick solution to get people off of my back and that translated into several fad diets that not only made me so miserable, but also didn’t work out well because I gained the weight back just as quickly as I had initially lost it.

It was a vicious cycle that I got stuck in for the first 23 years of my life. You can imagine how being constantly surrounded by such attitudes towards weight really affected the relationship with my body. But most importantly, it really dampened my already low confidence and views on life. I was a very negative person with a negative mindset. I was so afraid to take chances, to be ambitious, to not give a damn about what others said, because I believed that people would make fun of me for even trying to embrace who I was.

Then one day, I made a decision that changed everything. My mum had approached me, asking if I would be interested in working with a personal trainer. At first, I was hesitant because of several bad experiences with previous trainers. But I went for that first session and I sensed that there was something different about this time. I had a feeling in my head that this time, it was going to be worth it. I began seeing that trainer twice a week, going to the gym on my own for other days and started making changes to my eating habits.

Within the first month, I was already seeing results. I felt stronger, lighter and filled with energy. I wanted to keep going back to the gym because I had started enjoying my workouts. Realising that what I was doing was working, I decided to see how far I could go with this, and from there on, I ran with it and never looked back. I’m currently at the lightest weight that I’ve been in over 10 years.

As of today, I’ve dropped three dress sizes, going from a peak weight of 108kg to 74kg. But that’s not all. I’ve become faster, stronger, more flexible and durable. I now live a healthier lifestyle consisting of a regular exercise routine and balanced nutrition. I’ve become a fitness addict, constantly finding new and fun ways of challenging my body’s physical abilities. There’s a pretty solid chance you’ll find me either climbing up a wall into a handstand, or kicking the hell out of a punching bag. That’s still not it.

Most importantly, I’ve transformed into a completely different person. The more I progressed through my fitness journey, the more self-confidence I gained. You know how in Beauty and the Beast, at the end when the castle transforms from a gloomy, haunted mansion to a sparkling, golden palace? That’s pretty much what my newfound confidence did to everything else of me. I began to feel a self-assurance and positivity that I continue to carry everywhere I go. I developed an attitude of acceptance, learning to let go of the need to be perfect in others’ eyes. I felt more adventurous, participating in activities that I wouldn’t have done before, one of which was going on three solo hikes in Japan. I surrounded myself with people who challenged, pushed, and motivated me to continuously strive to be a better version of me, and I did the same for others in return.

And that’s the story of how I learned to love myself.