ROCKstar of the Month! This news came to me on a morning when I was dragging my feet into the office after a late night’s work and knowing I have to fight fires at work. It’s just tough. However, my face brightened due to the good news, though a part of me remained in disbelief. I know, I severely lack self-confidence. I still don’t believe that good things will happen to me and when they do, I feel that something bad is going to happen and my happiness will be taken away. This is how I have been feeling the past few years.
From a young age, I struggled with my weight – I’ve always been round, short and chubby. As a teen, my friends laughed at me and I recall eating only one meal a day when I was 13. I lost more than 10kg but I suffered from malnutrition and became anaemic, so I had to keep going to the doctor and the hospital. In hindsight, I feel so silly for doing all of that; my parents must have been so hurt! But hey, at that age, all we cared about was having the figure of a supermodel.
You can say that I was the apple of my parents’ eyes, but I wasn’t happy growing up. I’m the youngest in my family and my parents doted on me the most because I was the quietest and I obeyed them. As a result, my sister had a lot of detest towards me and I couldn’t understand why she stopped talking to me since I was eight. I envied my friends who were close to their sisters and I grew up wondering what I did wrong. I tried my best to put up with her temper because each time we fought my parents would cry and my dad would blame himself profusely. I didn’t want to see them upset because I love them.
Then, I entered two bad relationships – both with compulsive gamblers. The first relationship was short, though dramatic, and I remember going out with him in the middle of the night to play jackpot with my money till the wee hours of the morning. My studies got affected, naturally, and I was always tired from the lack of sleep. He was a bad influence and my parents begged me to leave him, but I would fight with them. Eventually it ended of course.
The second one was… bittersweet in a way. We were together for a decade and we almost got married. At that time he seemed like the perfect guy for me: not bad looking, very humourous, sporty and most importantly, filial. But we accumulated too much baggage as we went along the relationship.
He lied thrice about giving up gambling and it got to a point where I lost the trust in him. I became paranoid whenever he was texting on the phone. I started to pick on him and we quarrelled a lot. I know something is wrong but I didn’t want to give up the relationship that I had been faithfully holding onto for 10 years. Part of it was due to my ego, because I wasn’t getting younger and I didn’t want people to mock at me for being single at my age.
One fine day though, I decided I should be fair to myself because I wasn’t happy at all in the relationship. I wanted to be fair to him as well. It takes two hands to clap and I know his hands are still clapping to make things work, but my hands have stopped clapping. We finally broke up in June this year.
This wasn’t even the biggest of my problems. You can say that 2016 has been a truly traumatic year for me:
January
My father’s kidneys failed and he had to start dialysis. Seeing huge needles being poked into his frail hands and having all these tubes around him pains me badly, really badly. I hold back my tears, I can’t speak and all I can do is just to hold his hands and smile at him, while whispering, “Papa, you will be alright”. My dad would smile back, albeit weakly, and ask me not to worry about him and to go home and have some food. I know he is just putting on a brave front to make me feel better.
February
My sister is diabetic and her stubborn character caused her condition to worsen, to a point where she had to be admitted to hospital for severe pneumonia. Both her lungs are 90% damaged! She was put into induced coma and had to be supported by respiratory machines. In short, it was a near death situation.
I was in rude shock when I saw her with all these tubes and I froze, while the tears kept falling profusely. I talked to her, begging her to wake up, but she remained motionless. At that juncture, I was so scared that I was going to lose her. This continued for two long weeks and the family was under a lot of stress.
My parents were devastated – my dad refused to go for his dialysis and my mom kept holding vigil outside ICU for fear that something might happen. I had to remain the strong one, so I continued to put on a brave front, repeatedly reassuring them that my sister was doing well even though I wasn’t sure. I had many sleepness nights because I was afraid I might miss a call from the hospital. Each time the phone rang, I would get so paranoid. Thankfully, she finally woke up and all is well now. We have also learnt to cherish each other.
April
News of company restructuring surfaced – that my department is being merged with another. Many negative rumours started to spread and I felt worried because I wasn’t sure what was going to happen to me. I shut myself up and refused to talk about it, choosing to drown myself in work instead. The speculations went on till May and I remember the day I was called into my boss’ office. I was scared shit that I would be retrenched. Fortunately he was taking me with him to another department and I couldn’t help tearing. He saved me.
Isn’t my life such a drama?
To tell you the truth, I really hate 2016 and I can’t wait for it to be over. Every day I have to tell myself that “Tomorrow will be a better day”, “What didn’t kill me makes me stronger” blah blah. I need to continue to appear strong because I have to be the pillar of support for my family and hold them together. Deep inside though, I was getting more and more vulnerable. I broke down a few times at home uncontrollably and that’s when I realised I am really, extremely, mentally drained and tired. I need a timeout!
I don’t know how I got through all of that. One thing’s for sure: I thank God that I have my beloved Milo with me through my darkest day. To many, she is just a pet dog, but to me, she is my everything, my family and my happy pill! Without her, I might have sunk into depression. She is the only one who saw me breaking down in tears and the one that accompanied me through the many ‘cry myself to sleep’ nights. Nobody can understand my love for her but it doesn’t really matter. I love Milo very much!
Joining Rock The Naked Truth was a turning point.
I am not someone who takes the initiative to start a conversation, hence joining a new group on my own really takes a lot of guts. The first session I went to was a 5km run with ROCKrunners and I remember it was hot and I felt like dying. I was the slowest, but they didn’t leave me behind, encouraging me to push on. I returned and joined them for more and more events, and I grew to love the positivity and energy in the group. They make me feel happy and it gives me temporary relief from my problems.
For the longest time, I didn’t want to open up about what I had been going through because I don’t want and don’t need anybody to sympathise with me. Besides, I thought I was coping fine. Then on 30 September, for the first time, I opened up about everything at ROCKshare, the private sharing session. Before I could even begin, I started crying uncontrollably without even knowing why. After sharing my story though, I realised I DO need some support and I felt much lighter after opening up.
Through RTNT, I’ve learnt that it is ok for the strong not to be ok at times. It’s ok for the strong to be vulnerable and lean on someone for support. I thought shopping will buy me some happiness, so I indulged in it. But such material happiness are soon forgotten.
Everything happens for a reason and every single story has a lesson to be learnt. I learnt not to hate and I learnt to forgive. Most importantly, I learnt to love myself more.
I am not fully recovered from all the emotional damage and it will take time, but I know I am walking towards the light. I know I have the courage to face my life. I know I am surrounded by love from my parents, Milo, friends and the ROCKfamily. I am happy and contented, and I believe everything else will soon fall back into place.
Life is like an elevator – on your way up, sometimes you have to stop and let people off. My elevator is now filled with abundant love because of you. To my dearest ROCKfamily, this is for you.
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ROCKstar of the Month is a monthly award given to an inspiring individual who advocates a positive mindset and living an active lifestyle (see full requirements below).
Requirements to be a ROCKstar of the Month awardee:
