I was taken by surprise when I got the news that I am the ROCKstar of the Month for March and it did take some time before the news sunk in. I did not feel that I deserved such honour as, to me, I am just a broken soul who is still picking up pieces and healing from the wounds inflicted over the past year and nowhere a bright shining star.
The last quarter of 2015 and the whole of 2016 has been an extremely trying period as I saw my marriage crumble. It really hurt when the realisation hit me – that the person I loved deeply was no longer the same person I have known for the past decade. Suddenly I am alone to face the world.
To be honest, I am a person with very low self-confidence and my ex-husband is the exact opposite.
Over the years we were together I drew inspiration from him to stand up for myself and he has encouraged me to be more independent and confident about myself. He also taught me to speak up. Over the years I pushed myself out of my comfort zone to be a better girlfriend and subsequently to be a better wife.
Thus, when the betrayal happened, this same person who pushed me to have more self–confidence completely crushed my self-esteem – “I am no longer attracted to you” was what he said.
These cutting words made me hate myself. I started to blame myself for the failure of my marriage and it went to the extent that I booked myself a trip to Bangkok for an appointment with a plastic surgeon because I wanted to change how I look to try and keep him by my side.
Thankfully a friend managed to talk me out of it -‘Don’t let your loyalty make a fool out of you’ she said. Despite calling off plans to go under the knife, I still hated what I saw in the mirror and I started punishing myself by working out like crazy, in hope that I can look better.
Though it was admittedly excessive, it was an outlet for me to release the anger and pain I had inside. The pain in the heart seemed more bearable when I trained harder. Others might have turned to alcohol or drugs, but my escape was working out. It gave me momentary relief from reality.
I started running again, after almost a decade of hiatus. Running always gives me a sense of calmness and honestly I do have a love-hate relationship with it – because I run whenever my life is in a mess.
Through this period, I also lost my appetite and interest in food. There was also this fear that if I eat, my hard work at the gym will go to waste and I wouldn’t look good enough for him. My crazy workout schedule and lack of proper food took a toll on my body, causing my anxiety attacks to get more intense and frequent. There were times when I passed out and woke up later, not remembering what happened prior to me blacking out.
I was mentally, emotionally and physically tired.
My body took so much punishment that it finally caved on the day my divorce was finalised. I collapsed and when I saw the doctor, he warned me that if I continued to put so much stress on my body I might get a cardiac arrest and it will cost me my life.
For a moment, I did wish that my life would end because I was so tired of fighting. However, I saw the grief I caused my parents and my wake-up call came when my dad (who hardly is the affectionate type) hugged me so tight one day and told how much he loved me that he will take care of me if no one else will. I am very much a daddy’s girl and those words struck me hard.
It reminded me of a promise I made – to never put my parents through such ordeals again after my seven-year struggle with an eating disorder; a past that haunts me every now and then.
My battle with anorexia
It all started because this guy I had a crush on said, “Your ass is too big to get back on the canoe”. That made me wage a war on myself and the weighing machine.
Since young, I have always felt that I am bigger than others because of my height and my frame is not of the typical Asian girl. Being an introvert, I hated being so ‘outstanding’ but it didn’t affect me that much until that guy made that comment.
That’s when I started marking out all the flaws on my body – my heavy bottom, my thunder thighs, my huge ankles, my flabby tummy. Everything became magnified. The only way that I could think of to lose weight was to eat less and exercise more.
There was a point that I spent up to five hours at the gym daily, followed by two hours of swimming and/or running and all I ate was an apple or maybe two if I feel I deserve the ‘treat’. I felt a sense of accomplishment when I saw the numbers on the scale decrease and it became a challenge to weigh less each time.
The obsession made me shut myself off from everyone. I had to find excuses not to have meals with my family or meet my friends. I didn’t see the harm that I was doing to my body because to me I was never slim enough. My parents were getting worried but I kept telling them that I am ok… till my body started to shout for help.
My period stopped, I was always tired, exercising became harder due to the lack of energy and I was getting bad fainting spells, frequently passing out in public. That’s when my parents dragged me to see a psychiatrist and I was diagnosed as an anorexic.
I hated the sessions because I didn’t want to get better and I ignored whatever the doctor was saying. Than the worst came when my body started to reject food and I couldn’t keep anything in. I had to go on the drip and all I could think of was the weight I was going to put on after all of that.
I was placed on close watch during meal times, having to show that I swallowed my food. That made me feel like a prisoner but in hindsight, I couldn’t imagine how my parents felt. Now I realise how strong they were for me.
I was emotionally and mentally in the doldrums at that point of time. The weekly weigh-ins were horrifying as I saw the numbers on the scale going up. I fell into depression and I was starting to get suicidal. The doctor had to prescribe me the ‘Happy Pill’ to keep me sane. I was going in and out of hospital so often and my weight started yo-yoing as I became anorexic, bulimic and then started binge eating.
It didn’t help that I got into a toxic relationship and the stress from the final year at university caused me to hit a wall and attempt suicide.
I swallowed every single pill I could find within my reach. I wasn’t sure if it was hallucination or divine powers, but I heard a voice say, “Come to me my dear daughter, I can take away your pain.” The next thing I knew I started throwing up and all I could remember when I woke up on the toilet floor was how much I wanted to go to church.
That very day was a turning point of my life. Two months later I got baptised – therefore my middle name Gabrielle – and I was also discharged by the doctors. I was lucky to have found spiritual growth which helped me in my recovery.
But I realised that there wasn’t much support or awareness with regard to eating disorders at the point of time. It was after my recovery that my psychiatrist and psychologist started a support group for eating disorder sufferers.
Having a support group is important because it helps to know that we are not alone fighting our battles and we can motivate each other along the way. That is when Rock The Naked Truth (RTNT) was formed and it was like a message sent from God.
At a point when I was mentally vulnerable, the encouragement and the messages posted on RTNT were constant reminders for me – the importance of self-love and that we deserve better and how we should never compromise ourselves for others.
I read stories of others overcoming their adversities and it made me reflect on my own struggle and how I always end up punishing my body just because I wanted to fit in and to be loved. I punished my body for the sake of getting people to accept me.
With RTNT, it has made me realise the importance of self-love, to appreciate ourselves and the body we are born with and by loving ourselves it becomes the greatest gift to the people who love us. It’s odd how we always remember and take conscious effort to give out more love but yet forgetting to ourselves along the way.
For me, the RTNT movement is like a voice of the many out there who are quietly struggling with themselves and their body and often not even realising the harm they are causing themselves until it is too late.
Without the constant reminders and positive messages, I would have still be punishing myself and would probably not be on my feet doing the things I love with the people I care for. Though it took me a long time before I decided to step out of my comfort zone to attend my first RTNT event – which was the ROCKtri cycling event – I’m glad I did. Subsequently with much encouragement from the founder Cheryl, I joined ROCKrunners for their weekly Saturday morning runs.
It was great to finally meet the people whose bright smiles on Instagram were my strength and source of inspiration during my darkest times. I have ever wondered whether the smiles are just for the camera, but I am now thankful that I have the privilege to feel the sincerity and warmth of these happy faces and be part of it too.
Despite not being an early bird, waking up on Saturday for a dosage of laughter and positive vibes simply helps to make a dull week chirpier and a weekend brighter.
Often we are not able to choose the events that happen in our lives, nor the pain, hurt or sorrow that come barging in. They often come unwelcome, catching us off our guards. It’s ok to cry and suffer; it’s not that we are weak but it’s something we need to go through as it’ll shape our perception of life.
I have learnt to never let the pain and suffering take away the faith or hope in life. Find the little things to be thankful for even when there are a million things bearing you down.
Thank you RTNT for helping me through my darkest times and for reminding me that I do deserve good things in life and our body is meant to be loved and not punished. Thank you ROCKfam and ROCKrunners for the love, motivation and laughter shared. May we continue to love ourselves more each day so that we can love many more out there! ☺
ROCKstar of the Month is a monthly award given to an inspiring individual who advocates a positive mindset and living an active lifestyle (see full requirements below).
Requirements to be a ROCKstar of the Month awardee:
