ROCKstar of the Month (December): Chua Xinni – Rock The Naked Truth

ROCKstar of the Month (December): Chua Xinni

I was caught by surprise when Cheryl messaged and notified me that I am the ROCKstar of the month for December 2018. I have read through the previous ROCKstar stories and have been very inspired by every single one of them as each has their own story to tell and how they overcame their own limitations.

I have always been secretly hoping that I will lose weight and be able to share my transformation story one day on the Rock The Naked Truth website. Well, I have not lost any weight to share my story, but I guess there will never be a perfect time to share it.

Here goes:

Every group has a fat kid. Coincidentally, I am the fat kid in my group of friends. I was never an overweight kid till I turned seven. I dislocated my arm at the age of six while playing on a playground swing. While I was recovering from my dislocated arm, I would often eat and sleep and that’s when my weight started to pile up.

xinni_5

I entered the Trim and Fit (TAF) Club when I was in Primary 1 and I was in it all the way till Primary 6. Memories of TAF Club in primary school included running every morning before morning assembly and I absolutely detested it as I would need to attend morning assembly all sweaty while the rest of my classmates go to class fresh.

xinni_1

When I entered secondary school, I was often very fearful of Physical Education (PE) lessons. Our teacher would make us run around the school compound and if we were caught walking, we would need to run another round. For overweight students, we had to carry a 5kg medicine ball to run with. If we were caught walking, we will need to run another round with the 5kg medicine ball. This made me fearful of PE lessons as I had very weak stamina and I would often get stomach upset and diarrhoea before I ran.

xinni_2

Classmates would also often ‘label’ me due to my size. I remembered an incident so vividly which happened to me in secondary school. I went to look for a friend in the next class and there was this guy who told me not to enter their classroom as their classroom would be flooded by the oil that would come from my fats. Hurtful remarks and judgments of my physical appearance by strangers and friends made me feel unwanted and my insecurities grew.

xinni_3

I would have occasional breakdowns and I would apologise to my mum for giving birth to me as I felt that I am of no use and am just being a burden to my family. I would scratch myself and have suicidal thoughts occasionally. On some days, I would drown in negative thinking and refuse to go out of the house to meet my friends.

T-shirt and bermudas is my go-to outfit to cover my body shape. Growing up, my closet was filled with large t-shirts and bermudas. Whenever I go shopping with my girlfriends, I would be the first one to finish browsing all the clothes available in the store as I could hardly find clothes that fit me.

I often thought that I don’t fit well in any groups as I am not the typical girl who likes dressing up. I would binge eat whenever I feel stressed or when I feel bored. It doesn’t help that I also have a sweet tooth, so I like to indulge in desserts such as cakes and ice cream.

There were many times where I told myself that I want to change my life. I have used available online tools to help me track calories and workouts. I have also tried slimming pills to slim down but to no avail as they made me feel weak and dehydrated all the time.

I read many inspirational stories online and it seems that eating right and working out in moderation is the only long-term solution to weight loss. Two of my friends helped me to lose weight as they were concerned for my health in the long run. They brought me to grocery shopping every single weekend and taught me how to pack budget and nutritious lunches to work.

As a result, I lost a total of 4kg over two months. It was an achievement for me as I have not managed to lose so much weight ever. They also taught me how to pick the right type of clothes, how to dress up, how to feel good and confident about myself. Thereafter, I also picked up healthier habits such as going for hikes, swimming, biking and jogging.

I used to run short distances by myself and decided that I should join a running group to get motivated to run longer distances and in turn, lose weight too. I dislike running but I enjoy the endorphins after exercise.

One day, I decided to join ROCKrunners with my friends. Even though I am always the last one in the group, the amazing people in ROCKrunners ensure that I do not get left behind. They would run together with me at my pace and talk to me which made running less painful.

At each race that I join with ROCKrunners, they were there to wait for me which motivates me to run faster and not give up. ROCKrunners is very welcoming and not judgmental at all. This was the main reason that made me stay on in this running group.

Throughout the years of struggling with unhealthy eating habits and leading a sedentary lifestyle, I have learnt that I must take care of my own body as health is wealth and I need to have a healthy body to accomplish many other things in life.

I have not achieved my goal weight and I still struggle with bad eating habits, but I am trying to be a better version of myself every single day. Change does not come easy. Let today be the day you love yourself enough to no longer just dream of a better life. Let it be the day you act upon it. Surround yourself with positive people that will help you to see things from different perspectives which will help you in your journey. Don’t ever give up! Cheers guys!

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I had a very unhealthy relationship with my body w

I had a very unhealthy relationship with my body when I was in my early 20s and the relationship carried till Circuit Breaker. This period of isolation forced me to reflect on my own inner child wounds.

I was born with big hips structure and damn jialat metabolism. At 24, I tried to lose weight by jogging every morning and only having yogurt for the whole day. I did lose some weight but I also lost a lot of my hair. That lifestyle lasted for 2 months and I was not in a good mental space. Then I went back to my usual diet and gained all the weight back.

In 2021, I got molested in the bus by this Gray Hoodie Ah Pek. He sat beside me, pretended to fall asleep and circled his thumb on my thigh. He then alighted the bus and looked back at me with a smirk. I swear I was beyond disgusted.

Due to genetics, I have a heavier bottom and the yoga pants and bicycle shorts that I buy online are not squat-proof (very transparent at the butt area) so most of the time when I head out for training I would need to double wear my yoga/bicycle pants with shorts. But that day, I was in a cover-up dress that showed nothing and was feeling disgusted and fat. I reported him to the police anyway.

Later, I released myself from a very toxic situation when I was constantly seeking for acceptance and at the same time, I received news that Gray Hoodie Ah Pek was sentenced to 2 counts with 4 months imprisonment.

At that point of time, it was very dark and I questioned myself frequently, “Is it because I am not good enough?”, “Confused, I was fat but why did that ah pek still touch me?”, “Guilty, because I was one of the reasons that sent him to imprisonment and he might have a family to feed.”, “Why me?”.

To cope, I went back to doing yoga and also started Muay Thai. I felt more balance, love and acceptance towards myself; learned self-defence, resilience, discipline and how to stay grounded.

Definitely, there will still be days when I question myself with my own self-acceptance, but I made a promise to myself to continue to learn and grow mentally and never stop.

Thank you for reading my story. Namaste.

- Val (@soundslikehokkienmee)

Came across this photo taken in 2010 and I had pos

Came across this photo taken in 2010 and I had posted it on Facebook with a caption “omg I look so fat here”.

This was when I was struggling with my eating disorders. I was starving myself, taking slimming pills, counting calories and I remember feeling so miserable all the time.

How was this fat?! I clearly was struggling with my body, with my self-worth, with my confidence. And this lack of self-confidence showed in many different ways.

For example, I was constantly in relationships or dating because I needed attention for validation. I would stay in toxic relationships even though I know it’s bad, and I would enable it further, because at the back of my mind I just want to feel loved.

It took me over a decade to reach where I am now and it hasn’t been easy at all. There are days when some of these past demons rear their ugly heads but I am able to better deal with them now.

Self-love is a journey, so be patient and keep working at it!

“I hated my body with a passion, the entire preg

“I hated my body with a passion, the entire pregnancy, and after my pregnancy. I hated it. I felt like it failed me. I felt fat my entire pregnancy instead of embracing the fact that my body was growing a human and creating a life and just being all around awesome.

I was still weighing myself and going, “Well, how much does the baby weigh and how much weight have I put on?” I couldn’t find clothes that fit me.

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I gained more weight after I gave birth and got to 129kg, which is the heaviest I’ve ever been in my life with a baby going, “I’ve done this bit. Why aren’t I having the other bit now?” I literally was worse after I had the baby in terms of my mental health surrounding my weight.”

- @jazskimo keeping it real and sharing her thoughts about her first pregnancy and childbirth. This was after 7 years of IVF and S$130,000 spent. She’s in a better place mentally now with a beautiful son and is on her next IVF adventure to try for her second child.