I lost a whooping 15kg in just 10 months and it was the skinniest I’ve ever been. Physically, it felt great. I started to receive lots of compliments, guys were chasing me for my looks and figure, family and friends started to tell me that I look more amazing than before. I was chasing after vanity, I was chasing for acceptance.
However, to get there, I lost a total of 8kg of lean muscle while chasing my “dream” of being skinny. I did tons of cardio and HIIT to “burn fat” and after losing that 15kg, I still thought I wasn’t lean enough and I wanted to have abs. So I went on all these fad diets – vegan, raw vegan, paleo, ketogenic, IIFYM, replacement shakes – you name it, I’ve tried them all… but they don’t work!
As a result, I started to become stressed and frustrated. These fad diets led me to develop a serious binge eating disorder due to the crazy restriction of food. Everyday I stressed about food – if is “good” or “bad”, if I’m exceeding calories and I kept craving more junk food. This also led me to develop more insecurities after all the binging and the fear of becoming fat again like I used to be. It got so bad, to a point that I isolated myself from others.
When I started doing CrossFit, I restricted myself from food even more and I became so down and discouraged. My binge eating disorder worsened because my body was starving and I wasn’t feeding it the right food. I wasn’t happy and these became the darkest moments of my life.
My CrossFit journey wasn’t a smooth one initially because I was so negative, VERY negative. I wasn’t even sure what I was doing as my brain couldn’t function due to all the restriction and starvation. I couldn’t think or act logically and you can say I’m like, the most blur person in the box. Everything whizzed by me – I don’t know what I was doing, what movements I performed, what weights I used. It was dangerous because I could have gotten injured but thankfully nothing happened… until I sprained my ankle.
I couldn’t exercise or walk properly for three weeks and I was so stressed because I was worried that I would get fat again. My one-week school overseas exchange programme to China happened then and so I told myself that I I would give myself a week – that I would not stress out and just eat whatever I wanted and just enjoy the trip.
I returned from that trip a lot happier. I didn’t starve myself, I ate what I wanted and I enjoyed myself throughout the whole trip. That was a turning point.
It took me eight months to recover from binge eating and another three months to get back to a normal diet where I don’t cut out any micronutrients and just focus on healthy eating, with occasional treats.
If you ask me if I miss the skinny me, yes I admit that part of me does miss it, but that skinny me couldn’t do anything. At that point I felt the weakest I’ve ever been. Now I can do so much that I couldn’t do in the past.
I feel the strongest I’ve ever been – never would I have imagined. I am hitting my PRs, lifting weights, doing rope climbing, pistol squats, handstands, pull ups, toes to bars – I am better and happier with where I am now.
So, listen to your own body. If your body needs rest, skip a workout and rest at home. If you feel like eating an ice cream, go and have one. If you feel like running 10km, just do it!!! Basically just listen to what your body says!
This is self-love.
Love enough and respect that your body can do whatever it is capable of doing. I respect my body for what it can do and for that, I am not doing anymore fad diets to change anything about myself. It will come when you treat your body right.
I’m just so, so, so glad that all I’ve been through is now in the past and I’m proud to say that I’ve overcome it and am back to my happy self. I wish I had known all of these before, but I hold no regret. I am stronger than I was and now I’m able to help others by sharing my journey.