When Kerrin Kua first wrote in to share her story on our portal, she requested to be anonymous because she wasn’t ready to tell the world about her struggles. However, Rock The Naked Truth and our various initiatives have allowed her to fight the inner battle better and give her the confidence to recover from her eating disorder and body image issues.
Instead of the usual interview we do with our ROCKstar of the Month awardee, we decided to let Kerrin tell her story in her own words.
I just completed my very first marathon today, all 42.195km of it, without stopping other than for hydration. 42.195km might not mean a lot to seasoned runners. In fact, 42.195km doesn’t mean that much to me either; because in comparison to how far I have come since the launch of Rock The Naked Truth (RTNT), this distance is minute.
Six months ago, I sent my story in and requested for it to be Anonymous because I wanted to attend the official launch and see what RTNT has to offer and if someone can finally help me. I did not want my friends to know how screwed up I have been, so I’ve always been hiding behind the screen as a shield.
At the launch, I listened to others share their struggles and how they managed to overcome them and it began to occur to me that maybe, maybe there is hope for me; that recovery not is not a myth because here in front of me are real people who have recovered and are happy being who they are now. Right there and then, I committed myself to recovery (like serious I will do it, not just saying and wishing I can), so I put my hand up when the chance came, took the mike and shared my story in the middle of Bugis Junction in public for all to hear. That was not just a sharing; that was my commitment to everyone, especially myself, towards recovery. That was also my cry for help to anyone who was willing to give me a hand.
Since that day, I have attended ROCKrunners and many other activities held by RTNT. I started sharing my story at the sharing sessions of these events but after a while, I stopped. I stopped because there was no longer a story of struggle to share, but a journey of progress that I was making with all my friends, one that we all share together.
The people I have met at ROCKrunners are truly the most amazing people because despite our differences, we are able to bond and work through pain (damn you, burpees!) together because we always, always work as one, as a team. We never judge, never compete and we are always there for each other during the workouts. We grew stronger, faster, braver together and with the progress I was making, I was more in control of my impulses and my eating disorder. Gradually, I became more confident and happy.
I was becoming a living example myself and I wanted to do more. I started sharing my eating disorder recovery journey openly with my friends on social media and whenever I had the chance, I talked openly about it as well because I want to raise awareness that recovery is possible and that no one has to be alone in recovery.
I was in a good place until I started to compare myself with other girls doing the Kayla Itsines Bikini Body Guide workouts. I could not live with the fact that others seem to be making better progress – losing weight, gaining abs, achieving my dream of slimmer legs. Me? I was getting heavier, bigger (no longer skinny like I was with an eating disorder) and my legs were getting bigger. It was pretty much a nightmare because I felt less and less comfortable with my legs, I started feeling jealous of some girls and their growing number of fans on Instagram, of people calling them inspirations, of the way they looked and how I was just not like them.
I felt inadequate, lousy and fat. I wanted to give up on exercising and slip back into my bulimia because I could not see the point of working out when I was only getting “fatter”. The idea of going back to where I used to be (skinny with an eating disorder) was very appealing because it seemed easy – I just have to eat, puke and post skinny pictures of myself, bask in comments of people calling me skinny and I wouldn’t feel so terrible anymore.
I was caught between the two voices in my head, but the determined and right version told me that turning back was not an option and that I am open enough to seek support. This same determination made me reach out to Cheryl (founder of RTNT) whenever I felt lousy and lost control. I will share how I feel with her, going on and on about how negative I felt inside. She was always there to listen and always had her own ways to offer a different perspective, one which of course made more sense than my own. She’s always the one I go to to help me stay rooted on track.
Clearly, comparison is not healthy. If something doesn’t work, don’t do it. Find others that will help you get to where you want to be – physically and more importantly, mentally. ROCKrunners is where I found my people, the encouraging ones who are so positive, determined and most importantly, welcoming and free of judgement.
RTNT has made recovery possible for me because they gave me the courage to do things I never thought I was capable of – coming out to share my story, making effort towards recovery, getting other likeminded people to join us and today, finishing a marathon. And with each achievement, I become more confident to go for another and I also find myself wanting to spread the good vibes to as many as I can too. I never thought I could inspire others but now, I can.
While I am not fully recovered and there is more work to be done, I am happy with where I am now. I am a work in progress. Recovery is not easy, but it is possible. You can learn to love yourself. You just have to want to and allow others to help you along the way.
ROCKstar of the Month is a monthly award given to an inspiring individual who advocates a positive mindset and living an active lifestyle (see full requirements below). As ROCKstar of the Month for May 2016, Kerrin receives an outfit from Lululemon Athletica as seen in the photos here.
Requirements to be a ROCKstar of the Month awardee:
Photos by Nicographicc
