I have a pretty typical anorexia recovery story, but I’m happy to be where I am. I’m so heartened by all the other eating disorder survivors on this website. I’ve always been plump and I’m pretty curvy for an Asian girl. I resonate with the other entries’ laments about how extreme body image pressure can get in Singapore.

Even when I was a US size 2 and had a 24-inch waist, I had guys tell me to my face that they wouldn’t date me unless I lost another 20 kg. Even at 45kg, I was still “fat” by Asian standards. I’ve heard guys say they refuse to date girls who weigh over 42kg and don’t have 4-inch-wide thigh gaps. Well, their lives, their choices, Bros.

Heck, even the girls I know are super snarky about body image. I had a JC schoolmate who was recovering from anorexia and while I thought that was very inspiring, my bitchier female friends were commenting about how “gross” she looked with more meat on her bones – even though she was still only 50kg. Bluh.

For the longest of times I believed that I was a genetic anomaly because I was always curvier and thicker-set than the average Singaporean girl (my body type is similar to Cheryl Tay’s but my thighs and chest are much thicker, and I pack on muscle easily).

Up till I was 18, I believed that all Asian girls were just genetically-predispositioned to be naturally skinny and because I wasn’t 40kg with a 20-inch waist, I was a freak. I later realised that this belief wasn’t entirely true – yes, Asians tend to have smaller frames and a higher rate of naturally skinny people, but when I got older I realised a lot of the skinnier girls (and guys) I knew actually dieted quite consciously and exercised in a disciplined manner. I still do have much-loved relatives and very close friends who are just born skinny though.

In JC my anorexia got pretty bad. I used to believe that I could push myself to a point of “leanness” like some really stellar fitness models and figure competitors do. But I learnt the hard way that not every body is the same and not every body can be pushed to the same limits. I have a metabolic disorder that prevents me from lowering my body fat to below 20-25% and dropping my weight below 60kg.

By the time I hit 55kg, I had lost my period and fainted several times in school. It really, really didn’t help that this was my GCE ‘A’ levels year. Some really screwed part of my brain told me that it was okay to still pursue leanness, even though my attention in school was drastically affected and I couldn’t focus on my work.

Towards the actual GCE ‘A’ level examinations, I had hit 45kg even though I was eating 3,000 calories a day (mostly in protein and vegetables) and I was doing HIIT six times a week for an hour a day. By this time my skin was turning yellow (because my liver was failing) and my heart and bladder were failing (not-so-fun fact: anorexia victims are prone to incontinence because their bladder muscles are very weakened. Yeyyyy.) The cherry on the cake was having my lungs weaken and fail during the exact period when the haze started… and I have asthma. Woo-hoo.

Somehow I managed to scrape through my ‘A’ levels period and began recovering soon after, with the help of a yogi friend who talked some sense into me and taught me a great deal about body acceptance. And by some sheer miracle, I made it to the Top Scorer’s List. I can only thank God that I didn’t screw up my ‘A’ levels due to my own idiocy, but I would urge girls (and guys) everywhere to never jeopardise their chances of getting into university the way I did.

I’ve learnt to accept the fact that my body is different. I don’t really care that I’m “chunky” anymore, but I’d like to be healthy. After spending a year recovering from malnutrition by replenishing my fat stores, I’m trying to get back to regular exercise. I try to eat at least four servings of fruit and three servings of vegetable a day.

It was a horrible lesson to learn, but I’ve learnt how to deal with nay-sayers. I’ve seen too many girls just let themselves be bullied by asshole guys. Now if any of my guy friends say, “Wow, Sarah has some fatass thighs”; I just reply, “And you’ve got a really phat butt for a guy. Your man-glutes could belong on Kim Kardashian!” Then all the other guys start laughing and said guy just shuts up.

If they can “joke” about my body, I feel fine with “joking” about theirs, too. And if any bitchy girls tell me, “You’ve gotten so fat and ugly since JC”, I just reply along the lines of, “Yup, I know. And you’ve gotten so many wrinkles you look like you’ve aged 10 years!” That shuts them up too. Maybe I come off as abrasive or snarky, but now people know better than to tangle with me.

And just let me put this out there: the guys who refuse to date girls who are over 45kg or bully their girlfriends into starving themselves are really insecure and they normally end up attracting gold-diggers who will take their money and leave. Or that’s why they remain single.

And guys, it can work in the other direction too. If a girl refuses to date you because you don’t have a six pack or are too skinny/fat/short/not rich enough, she’s just really shallow and not worth your time.

I’m happy to be where I am. I don’t care much now for being “big” or “fat”. Yeah, I’ve put on weight. Yeah I’m “bulky”. And the sky is blue and the carpet grass at Marina Bay is green. I’m just thankful for everyday I enjoy as a healthy, functional person (with a full stomach).