She is made of strength, courage and beauty

For 11 years I’ve struggled with an eating disorder (diagnosed with Eating Disorder Not Otherwise Specified (EDNOS)) and body dysmorphia disorder and the ugly non sugar-coated truth of mine is that it’s awful. My periods stopped, I lost my hair, I stopped wearing sleeveless tops, refused to anything that didn’t cover my legs, couldn’t leave the house without eyeliner, picked at my food, obsessed about calories, stopped eating burgers for three years, beat myself when I ate more than 1800 calories, spent two hours running in the gym, abused laxatives, starved my body and binged after, cried in my room and struggled at physical intimacy with romantic partners.

I’ve bitten off more than I can chew and I can’t count the number of times when I thought death was the better option as compared to living a life of starving, binging and self-hatred. I’ve been in and out of therapy since I was 22 and a few days ago as I was thinking of how I wanted to beautify this post I thought “oh crap it’s been 11 years. 11 YEARS, and im still here!” My eating disorder has kicked my butt countless times but I'm still here rebuilding my walls and telling my story. So what’s my naked truth?

I’m not perfect. I’m not 100% recovered. Sometimes I still pinch my tummy rolls and sometimes I still get insecure when I see other girls post their success stories about being recovered, but guess what? I try my best to make each day a positive one by making mindful choices to the best of my ability. It’s tiring, but I make the effort to pull myself together and remind myself that I can’t go back to my dark past that made me suicidal. Each day is a reminder that I'm strong for still fighting my eating disorder, brave for choosing to continue fighting it and yes, despite what the voices tell me, I'm still beautiful.