Jasmine Pay: True strength is actually in fighting for yourself – Rock The Naked Truth

Jasmine Pay: True strength is actually in fighting for yourself

You would think that strength is holding on, but true strength is actually in fighting for yourself, walking away from toxicity and letting go. I foolishly allowed myself to stay in a destructive relationship for six years, even when I was being physically abused.

I was only 20 when I met this ex-boyfriend. I was so enamoured of him, because I felt he was the “perfect boyfriend” and I was so afraid to lose him. Initially it was all sweet and mushy, and I didn’t even mind the fact that I gained 20kg because we kept going out to eat… until he cheated on me.

I was miserable and lost, but I was also desperate and did everything I could to keep him. I thought he cheated on me because I was fat, so I started to go on a diet and eat very little. Then I became a victim of bulimia and binge eating, because I would get so paranoid whenever I see him texting that I would gorge myself with food and feel immensely guilty after. This was where I started to feel very disgusted with my body.

I also made the decision to quit school – six months before I was due to complete my polytechnic education – and move into his place so I could keep a watch on him.

Things got worse when he picked up gambling – online soccer betting, casino visits, poker games. He spent all his salary on gambling and then started to borrow money. I was working two jobs to help him clear his debts but he still went to borrow money from loan sharks in my name! Soon, the loan sharks came to harass me and I got so stressed that I attempted suicide three times. It was a torture to be with him but I just did not know how to let go.

And then he cheated on me again – for the third time. I questioned him and each time I did, he would beat me up. On the third occasion he laid hands on me, I decided enough was enough and I struck back. That finally ended the relationship for good.

It was very hard to move on as there was still a mountain of his debt to clear. It took me a lot of courage to move back home and face my family, but I knew I had to start life all over again.

I randomly signed up for a gym membership one day and I went to try a kickboxing class. I cried and punched so hard that after an hour of class, I was drained and exhausted. But it felt so good.

From then on, I maintained a fitness regime of gym classes and running. I even went on to do my first full marathon in 2015. Two years ago, I made a New Year resolution to join a running group and that was when I found ROCKrunners. Seeing them every week, I love how ROCKrunners is not just a running group, but also my support group where I’ve found good friendships and receive emotional support.

At this very moment, I am proud to say that I am having the best time of my life. Sometimes, I can’t help feeling bitter about losing six years of my precious youth, but I keep reminding myself that I have to love myself because we only have one life and we have to live it to the fullest, without regrets.

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I had a very unhealthy relationship with my body w

I had a very unhealthy relationship with my body when I was in my early 20s and the relationship carried till Circuit Breaker. This period of isolation forced me to reflect on my own inner child wounds.

I was born with big hips structure and damn jialat metabolism. At 24, I tried to lose weight by jogging every morning and only having yogurt for the whole day. I did lose some weight but I also lost a lot of my hair. That lifestyle lasted for 2 months and I was not in a good mental space. Then I went back to my usual diet and gained all the weight back.

In 2021, I got molested in the bus by this Gray Hoodie Ah Pek. He sat beside me, pretended to fall asleep and circled his thumb on my thigh. He then alighted the bus and looked back at me with a smirk. I swear I was beyond disgusted.

Due to genetics, I have a heavier bottom and the yoga pants and bicycle shorts that I buy online are not squat-proof (very transparent at the butt area) so most of the time when I head out for training I would need to double wear my yoga/bicycle pants with shorts. But that day, I was in a cover-up dress that showed nothing and was feeling disgusted and fat. I reported him to the police anyway.

Later, I released myself from a very toxic situation when I was constantly seeking for acceptance and at the same time, I received news that Gray Hoodie Ah Pek was sentenced to 2 counts with 4 months imprisonment.

At that point of time, it was very dark and I questioned myself frequently, “Is it because I am not good enough?”, “Confused, I was fat but why did that ah pek still touch me?”, “Guilty, because I was one of the reasons that sent him to imprisonment and he might have a family to feed.”, “Why me?”.

To cope, I went back to doing yoga and also started Muay Thai. I felt more balance, love and acceptance towards myself; learned self-defence, resilience, discipline and how to stay grounded.

Definitely, there will still be days when I question myself with my own self-acceptance, but I made a promise to myself to continue to learn and grow mentally and never stop.

Thank you for reading my story. Namaste.

- Val (@soundslikehokkienmee)

Came across this photo taken in 2010 and I had pos

Came across this photo taken in 2010 and I had posted it on Facebook with a caption “omg I look so fat here”.

This was when I was struggling with my eating disorders. I was starving myself, taking slimming pills, counting calories and I remember feeling so miserable all the time.

How was this fat?! I clearly was struggling with my body, with my self-worth, with my confidence. And this lack of self-confidence showed in many different ways.

For example, I was constantly in relationships or dating because I needed attention for validation. I would stay in toxic relationships even though I know it’s bad, and I would enable it further, because at the back of my mind I just want to feel loved.

It took me over a decade to reach where I am now and it hasn’t been easy at all. There are days when some of these past demons rear their ugly heads but I am able to better deal with them now.

Self-love is a journey, so be patient and keep working at it!

“I hated my body with a passion, the entire preg

“I hated my body with a passion, the entire pregnancy, and after my pregnancy. I hated it. I felt like it failed me. I felt fat my entire pregnancy instead of embracing the fact that my body was growing a human and creating a life and just being all around awesome.

I was still weighing myself and going, “Well, how much does the baby weigh and how much weight have I put on?” I couldn’t find clothes that fit me.

Part of my trauma (on top of PCOS, lupus, endometriosis, ovarian hyperstimulation syndrome) during my IVF journey as well, was multiple people saying, “Oh, when are you due?”, when I wasn’t even pregnant. I’ve had two flight crew in the past saying, “I do have your letter of authorization for travel.” I’m like, “What are you talking about?” “Well, you’re pregnant. You must be due soon.” And that was when I was just fat and trying to get pregnant.

My body issues and my self-esteem issues followed me into my pregnancy. I gained 27kg while I was pregnant and it was because of the meds. I wasn’t eating everything or anything I wanted; in fact, I was vomiting every day and still getting fat.

I gained more weight after I gave birth and got to 129kg, which is the heaviest I’ve ever been in my life with a baby going, “I’ve done this bit. Why aren’t I having the other bit now?” I literally was worse after I had the baby in terms of my mental health surrounding my weight.”

- @jazskimo keeping it real and sharing her thoughts about her first pregnancy and childbirth. This was after 7 years of IVF and S$130,000 spent. She’s in a better place mentally now with a beautiful son and is on her next IVF adventure to try for her second child.