It was rather surprising to receive the news that I am the ROCKSTAR of the month; I never felt that I have a story as impactful as the previous ROCKSTARs of the month. It was only after collecting myself after the news, which daunted upon me that I have never tried to pen down my own story; something I never really shared or spoke of to anyone.

Unlike the rest of the ROCKSTARS who mostly struggled with weight gain issues, I was on the opposite end of the spectrum. I was always the underweight, skinny, pale and frail girl since young. My aunt always joked that if we ran out of bamboos to hang our laundry, I can stand in as one.

However, what really affected my self-esteem and confidence was not my weight, but my appearance. Ever since I gained awareness of who I am, I realised I look very different from everyone else, and that made me very self-conscious.

I am born with cleft lip-palate, a birth defect condition where the lip and mouth do not form properly. It is also known as orofacial cleft or hare-lips to some. Given the medical advancement, it is not a life-threatening condition and a series of reconstructive surgeries can fix the functional issues of the condition. However, I still have a scar above my lip, an asymmetrical nose, misaligned teeth and unclear speech.

This made me stand out in a crowd – not in the good way – and I would receive stares from strangers and questions from unassuming peers, which made me feel very conscious. Eventually I withdrew myself from people, I did not like to socialise and I shied away from talking because of my teeth and speech.

For a good period of my teenage days, I avoided taking photographs and I hated to be photographed. I did not smile much into cameras, and I would rather be the one taking the photographs for everyone else. I never liked how I look, I did not like who I am in the photographs, as it reminded me of how different I look from everyone else.

Many friends who knew me from schooling days would know me as a quiet, shy and very reserved person. Thankfully it did not escalate into a morbid state. My family was well-informed about the psychological impact of cleft beforehand and the awareness helped. They built a very supportive and encouraging environment for me, and that made growing up a little less painful.

Along the way, I also met many great friends who are ever accepting and very encouraging. They did not judge me based on how I looked and even encouraged me to be me. I am really thankful for these kind souls I crossed paths with! They made me feel less alienated and treated me as though I am no different from the rest. Because of them, I struggled a little less and was able to gradually accept who I am and to be proud of myself.

I remembered a friend once told me, “It is ok to be different; it just means you are brave enough to be yourself.”

My fitness journey only started quite recently – I only started working out last year. In the past, I used to find running a chore and I never enjoyed the PE sessions in school. A 2.4km run was torture to me back then. It was only in 2017 that I decided to take a step out of my comfort zone and challenge myself by doing something different. I picked up my shoes and I ran in the gym on the treadmill. It was then that I realised how therapeutic running could be! It clears my mind and gets rid of all the negativity I have about life and myself.

Then I joined ROCKrunners in mid-2017 and I really like the idea of “RUN HAPPY”. It’s true that I am happier after a run! It is something I would not have imagined myself saying a decade ago. I did my first 10km run at the end of last year, and that made me realise I am stronger than I think I am.

That confidence booster showed that I am actually able to achieve what I never thought I could. To me, ROCKrunners is also not just about running, but about the people too; the ROCKFAM. And I actually learnt how to talk to different people, and it was a joy hearing stories of different people. I’ve met many inspiring friends who went through different struggles with self-acceptance, which made me feel that I am not alone after all!

I am still trying to walk out of being that shy, quiet and reserved person, so do pardon me if the conversation still sounds rather awkward, I’m still working on it!